"If I quieted the voices in my head I would face the day with nothing to write."

“The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is that you really want to say.” Mark Twain.

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”
― Roald Dahl
Key:
G-Unit=Grandpa
FLS=Favorite Little Sister
Sassy Red head=Shana
True Friend=Laura
Mermaid/Slo/Tripod/Chickas=Shannon 1

Spanish Princess/Tripod/Chicka/Vette =Yvette
#61=Youngest son
Mickey Blue Eyes=Oldest son.
BFTP (Blast from the past)/The last Frontier=gone
Big Jim as himself
Vitamin C as himself
G-Man=Garth/Bossman.

Nick as himself

Monday, September 26, 2011

Truth and Trust

This morning a dream that I wake from is so entwined in the waking moments, I find myself speaking out loud as I get out of bed. They are thoughts about the new woman in my ex-husbands life. That I will not allow her or him to make me... not feel welcome in my children's new home and lives. Why did I wake thinking like this? Angry and worried...They are moving in together and my first thought last night when I was told this by my youngest son, "can't that man live alone at all." He finally got the last of the meth addict girlfriends out of his life and here we go again.
Is this jealousy? That is my first thought, but no it goes much deeper than that, after I spent some time writing and had many thoughts running through my head and with the dreams input I have come to the realization that I'm forced to go back to memories and deal with them to find the root of the problem.

Sometimes it takes me a while to get there, to work down to the root of the problem. So I have to break it down into levels and think about feelings.

Starting with, I'm rather happy he has a nice decent woman in his life. But the mistrust comes from all the others before her that were not decent. The most searing in my memory is the first one that moved in with him. We had by this time sold our last house we had bought together and been separated for over a year.

She invited me over one cold snowy morning prior to her moving in with him for a 'get to know you visit'. Invited me to a house, that later I found out she was squatting in and she started slowly questioning me about my life and interests, than launched into how, her and my husband (he still was at the time) had an intense attraction and love for each other that was like nothing they had seen before. She questioned me deeply about Jim. And at this point I was finally back in his good graces for a reason I would much rather not reflect on. These are things I'm remembering this morning and visiting back on. She used a lot of this conversation against me and twisted it for years.

And looking back now, from what I know now... the now is that at the time I had no earthly clue or idea about the meth addiction of either of them and the levels they would go to together to protect the addiction.

So I suppose their love was pretty intense in that lovely meth haze. Actually I know it was intense. I was stunned by this 'sudden' love, to say the least but buried it very quickly. From that moment on though; she stalked me, spied on me and generally made my life a living hell with her crazy ass meth suspicions. She broke into my house and stole from me and my children. She would stalk me with phone calls, texts. Hide in the forest to spy on me, this I know because she was caught. She sold drugs out of his house with my kids sleeping there. They had violent crazy fights with each other while the kids were there. He smacked her off the deck with a two-by-four because she was crazy and would not shut-up. Who were these crazy people? At the time I just did not want my kids living there, but she twisted it so that it was about me and her. She accused me of stalking and watching her. She made me, the one not on drugs think I was the crazy one. Sometimes I did not know what world was the right world and I had two people to calm me down and go to; Brenda and Jim... my safe places and the two people in the world I trust the most, even now.

One night after midnight as she was watching my house through binoculars the fire department showed up and I'm assuming she must have rushed back to bed or told my husband because he called shortly after making sure that the kids and I were okay because the fire department was there. We were in bed asleep when he called and had know idea what he was talking about and got out of bed to find the neighborhood lit up with flashing lights. The neighbors house was on fire apparently, but not bad just a chimney fire. The point is she was watching from across town, my house in the middle of the night and all the time.

I don't talk about this time period in my life very much, because I have done much healing and the ex-husband has been clean for three years now, so it is and was another life. It is all about getting to the root of the problem. After this incident there were others leading up to an intervention that she stalked and corrupted. She stalked his Mom, our kids and others. The woman was pure evil on meth.

But the fear still lingers apparently....the kids and I still live with this fear his living with another woman invokes and that is another root to the problem the kids are worried he is doing this to soon and again. And even five years or so later it still affects my dreams in an around about way.
She the first live-in girlfriend is also why I have a burning desire to not be out after midnight, let alone awake.

The root of the problem is that I don't trust him to always make the right decisions when his dick is involved in the process.

Actually the root of the problem is I don't trust anybody.

All my hard work on myself and life leads to this one true statement about myself. The fear of trust in a relationship, life, work all stems from this time period.  The having your life destroyed by a person who threw it all away for the greatest high of his life, time period. For years before the end of our marriage I thought it was me and my problems that made me want to end the marriage only to realize it was a drug that changed his smell, his personality and forced me out.

It was all a lie and the root of the problem is trust, truth and fear.

So I wake this morning with the thoughts on my lips; angry, worried and have to spend the morning deciphering why...

I put myself through all the motions to get to the emotions. No it is not jealousy of the new girlfriend per say, it is more anger at the worry and lack of trust for him to make the right choices for himself and his children. But then I take a deep breathe and let out a sigh to let the butterflies go. It's also a sadness that our marriage had to end the way it ended and there has perhaps not been enough discussions to heal it. But this I do know....

I don't want to know anymore truths about that time period... than what I already know. I'm sure there are truths that would curl my toenails. So it is closed for discussion with him. These years were the darkest most stressful years I have ever lived in my entire life and I don't like to visit them often. A quote from a former addict trying to help me understand how to deal with a meth addict. "A meth addict can rationalize any thought no matter how irrational it is". We are sitting in our truck together and he is irrational and suddenly screaming at me. Asking me why he can't have this woman in his life and I can have a 'man' like Jim in mine and my reply is telling..."Because he never fucking lies to me." I can still feel this moment and his crazy irrational rage like it was yesterday. I just try not to think about it, but from that point on the ex-husband stopped lying even on meth. 

Even the last couple of weekends has been leading up to this moment. Having conversations about my behavior and actions and his, with old friends, just keeps bringing the past up and I have had to talk about it much more than I normally do. Having a discussion with another friend who lived another night of the girlfriend stalking with me, we can laugh about it now but...

Also thinking about why I do the things I do and how I like the rules of Amazon and the level of trust and responsibility you have to provide in yourself to have and keep a job there. I like Amazon for these reasons. They weed out all the useless people that have the traits of meth addicts. I feel protected there, kind of like when Tammy would not allow the meth addicts into her bar, making it my bar and a safe haven for me. Marko's.

The dredging up of these feelings and trying also to get to the root of why I do/don't want to live in Roslyn and weighing it all with the input of loved ones. Should I conquer the fear of not wanting to live there or to just stay away because it's not my place any longer.

What is it exactly; a fear or just avoiding it. Or is right to go there to heal and have closure. My stomach becomes tied in knots when I think about living there again. Fighting the rage I can still feel about that woman, and how she now wants my forgiveness. She is very 'sorry' and all I can do it is grit my teeth with anger and resisting, wanting to literally beat the shit out of her for being such a sick person. I would not run into her at Amazon and that is probably a good thing.

But now that I have worked through all this I do realize it's all about the one word. Trust. Trust him because he has been clean for three years and loves his kids.

and trust yourself, I tell myself daily...and that intuition and time will eventually lead you to the answers.




Sunday, September 25, 2011

A fresh new look

Logged in today to blog and there is a fresh new look to the blogging page. I like it.

Yesterday I drove up to the mountains to hang with #61 and take his senior pictures. A tradition of sorts that I was reminded of recently by my sister-in-law. We took the old road to Ellensburg one of #61's favorite drives. In the backseat was the old school camera and a couple of changes of shirts for him. As his crabbiness wore off and he enjoyed the drive he started picking locations for his photos. He was crabby due to lack of sleep I found out as the day progressed. We stopped and took different photo's with some great backdrops and I'm excited to see how they turned out.

Killer Elite
After the photo session, we finished the drive into Ellensburg and stopped at Baskin & Robbins for ice-cream. Then headed over to the movie theater to watch Killer Elite. The movie was surprisingly pretty good...and the conversation leading up to this review is as follows.

"It would be cool if that guy you like so much would do a normal movie," #61 says while smirking as we walk across the parking lot to the theater.

"This could be the one," I reply glancing over at him "it's a different kind of cast and such with Robert Deniro and Clive Owens, a better caliber of actors than normal."

The movie ended up being based on a true story and yes Jason Statham had some serious action moments but he played a normal kind of guy for the most part. We liked it, it was the thinking man's action movie and I loved the bits about Australia.

Prior to the movie starting was an ad for Gear 3 and this prompted #61 to admit to why he was dragging ass and attitude. The new release of this game described as the "best ever, so fucking cool, awesome and addicting," looking sheepish as he admits this and confessing to playing it till seven in the morning after leaving the high school football game the night before.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

For the record....


Rapture... just saying.... 
1. The state of being transported by a lofty emotion; ecstasy.
2. An expression of ecstatic feeling. Often used in the plural.
3. The transporting of a person from one place to another, especially to heaven.
tr.v. rap·tured, rap·tur·ing, rap·tures
To enrapture.

Mickey Blue Eyes dropped in for a two night visit with his Mom. We went halves on a new windshield for his car and after dropping the car off to get the work done, spent the morning tootling through the countryside and stopping at the end of the drive to pick up the car to return home to nap before Monday Night Football.
However he waited to take his nap after Pizza at Rocco's and I had to wake him and drag him to MNF. His idea and request in the first place and it is a sad day when he is finally of age and his Mother has to drag him out of bed in the early evening to go the bar. We selected the Giants as our team and they were winning at the two minute warning.
Then half our table raced home for the season premiere of Two and a Half Men.

And right now I'm just putting it out there for the record that... Rose has kidnapped Charlie and is holding him hostage and after the network rides out the year making good on the promise to fire Sheen's ass they will have him come back after escaping. It has all been a publicity stunt and we have been enraptured by it all. Just saying...
Although Charlie could have won the lottery with the Jehovah Witnesses for the rapture since Rose threw him in front of a subway train and with his luck he might have gotten to heaven.  But knowing Charlie; he would be just like me and think the rapture, like the number one definition listed above,
is all about ecstasy.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Sit, sat, set.


Fresh home from a drive to return my baby. Three things have been on my mind all morning. A couple of conversations with friends, that keep running through my mind. Sit, sat, set. The second is the book I'm working on and the last something I read about this morning that I plan to change and use for myself. Since the final thought is short and sweet I will start and finish it here in this first paragraph. Here is my version of what I interpreted.

"Do what you want for yourself that makes you happy and the right man will find you there."

I keep looking for this certain man, that I met once and we have never found ourselves in the same place again. Missed chances and meetings. One decision decides the fate of the day. I have read a couple of books lately that bring this up and it made me think of him. I wonder if he looks for me. I looked for him yesterday in Roslyn.

But the thoughts of him and books and writing keeps being replaced by a conversation that keeps going around my head.
Sit, sat, set. Sitting, where are we sitting?
Pronunciation and irritation.

But we all are guilty with each person we meet. The use and pronunciation of words seems to be something we all correct each other with. Actually most of the time I don't say anything because it seems demeaning and then of course I'm also guilty of misuse myself so then it would be self righteous as well.... So when I'm teased; it makes me wonder why the other person seems to go on and on. Is it because they are jealous in some fashion, because after a while teasing is not an endearment or sign of affection or is it? And we can't all really be right with words all the time. It happens all the time though, on the news, between friends. So many words, so many ways to say them, so many different meanings.

Also at one point I mentioned that my next husband would have to be able to spell. So is this payback for at some point thinking and acting self righteous. Man its hard to be a decent person all the time.

It's hard to be politically correct, it's hard to be grammatically correct.

What is proper? What is the proper etiquette.

Earlier in the day, having had a conversation with my ex-husband and he kept saying words wrong or adds an (s's) to something that should not be plural.... I just let it go because I do not want to demean him and he is a smart guy just not well read, only to have it turn around later in the day for me at a friends house.

Perhaps we should all walk around with electronic dictionary's and pronunciation guides so as to not offend each other.

The other thing that is on my mind today is the line; "You would eat him alive." or "You would chew him up and spit him out." Again I was talking to my ex-husband yesterday about a woman we both know that actually has been through five husbands and I got to thinking about being told the above about myself and the difference between me and her. She swallows them whole, mentally, physically and financially but unlike a black widow or praying mantis she leaves them breathing when she spits them out.

In my case if they are not the right guy I don't want to do all the rest, I just spit them out before they leave a bad taste in my mouth, preferring to get rid of them early and avoiding ripping there hearts out. So does that make me a nice girl or a bad girl, kind or mean...........well you get the point.

Words are words are words.


Vivacious and Creative.

That is how I'm interpreted. What comes across from me in an interview. Not bad words all around. They did not offer me the job because of this, and this is not a bad thing.... They suggested that I might be more happy in a job within Amazon that allows me to write creatively. A job that is not stifling and boring. Encore. A group within Amazon that promotes books that did not make it the first time around. A fascinating suggestion to me.

I have spent some time thinking, as I do normally. But trying to focus on what I want in a job. Do I really want a job where I use all my creative abilities all day to have nothing left when I get home or do I want a job that I enjoy that leaves it available to me at the beginning or end of the day. I was faced suddenly again with a schedule change, faced with losing my mornings to write and having to work all day to not want to come home and write in the evenings.

So this morning it comes across my mind, do I really want a different job than the one I have now. I like it and do I want more responsibility? Because what I really want to do is write books and if I focus on moving up in the company I lose what I have gained. Time and desire to live my life the way I want. I'm happy and secure in the wage that I have now.

I think of Jill who sets next to me. She has moved all around Amazon and is back to the beginning because she is happy to just do what she is doing because there is not pressure in her life to do more than what she is doing and maybe that is not a bad thing I keep thinking. I can do what I do and have what I want just by staying where I am.

At this point in life I have to have a day job, but I know what I want to be doing in the future to support myself and to do this I need the time and desire to write to get there. The only other thing I want more is to be debt free and living in my own space.

They all combine together to get me there and it's working so why fuck with it?

I watched a movie last night called 'The Company Men' and while it was not fast paced, it had many lessons about our current recession and what is important. I went to bed and woke just ready to be and as I write this it all makes sense. It followed my life, losing a job and all it's trappings of "success" when all you really need is family and to work in a job that you are happy with. Living within your means. The job I have now, pays decently is easy and I can read, write, color and sew while doing it. Not a bad gig really.