Lights

Mickey Blue Eyes is back. The light in his sky blue eyes is on. What a wonderful thing to look at and see the spark for life again.

I have been painting like a fiend trying to get some work done for a show in October. Writing and blogging have taken a back burner suddenly for another creative outlet. The other morning I walked to the library to return books, magazine and movies. When I got there I realized I had forgotten the movies. Instead of putting if off for another day, I made myself walk all the way back home on a different path and grab them and then return to the library by yet another path. After selecting new movies I took yet another path home. It's nice that in this small town I can take so many different twists and turns from all the others.

Taking the alley that runs behind my house and taking photo's for future paintings. A few months back I had taken this walk and am now working on a painting from that walk. I take a ton of pictures and let them soak in my head for awhile. Always, Always there is one that sticks out in my head as one that I will paint. I feel that way about the Sunflower picture at the top of the blog. I will paint that one someday. Something about the Christmas lights just gets to me in that left corner.

As I walked down the alley I took pictures and passed the back of my house. It is not a pretty sight from this angle. Overgrown with rosehips and the remnants of a garage that collapsed. Overgrown and dangerous so that I cannot take a shortcut through it to my house. I have to walk the entire alley. When I reach the end; Ellie's apple tree's have tossed lovely apples into the alley I decide I'm going to take some home. I add those to my growing pile of shit I'm carrying now on this jaunt. Making a left and heading back down 5th street proper. My friend Leah is on her porch. I stop in to visit.

She wants the scoop on Nick. Her husband is one of Nicks good buddies. At one point in time I lived right next door. So we go way back before children, her children anyway. She coined the phrase, "twenty minutes pregnant." We talk for some time, but then I must head to work. I gather all my shit and head down the hill to my house.

My favorite little sister called today. I answered from the bathroom soaking wet from the shower. She asked me not to put her on speaker. That is serious... so I said can I call you back in five minutes? And got dressed real quick and called her back.

The news was not pretty, even when you think death is the best option for someone in your life, when it happens it is still traumatic. My nephew by marriage is my sisters foster nephew/son. His Mom died, they found her today. There has to be an investigation because they think she has been deceased for two days and they will need to figure out the cause of death. More than likely it will be diabetic related or a drug overdose. She was not a stellar woman most of the time but before she got back into meth she was a decent mother and I'm sorry for her little boy.

Drug addicts, abuser and users have figured heavily in my life lately. I picked up the inside informant at Sundown today after spending the weekend with him and his Dad, hoping to heal and get him on the right track. I met the guys in his group and they were just like him, hopeful to get their lives back together and after 3 days with them I grew really attached to them.

I learned quite a bit about enabling, not being a co-dependent and it was all in all a very enlightening healing weekend.

"It's a no fault disease." This is what they teach. It is no one persons fault. They may choose to take a drink, a drug but it is in their DNA and the addiction is no ones fault and that its a disease.

noncommital

Giving no clear indication of what this is. I called him that the other day Mr. Noncommital. The pressure from outside sources to name what we have going on is pressuring me... and I waver.

For many reasons I'm happy with the status quo but sometimes I do want to know where it is going or what we are calling this.

Everybody knows. Yes everybody does know. But we don't.

My last boyfriend might have been when I was about the age of eighteen. Then I was married for nearly twenty years. So one thing that is blatantly clear to me... I don't understand the rules.

We sit on the porch steps talking. The new month of September already bringing the changes in the air and hues of color in the day. An intense conversation. About needs and wants. I need to understand the rules of PDA or at least suddenly have the need to show it to each other. I need to be asked to do things in public as a couple and not as two people that are trying to hide it from a small town that just knows. He has never been anything but a boyfriend and is afraid of commitment, or losing his freedom to be the butterfly that he is. A social butterfly and friend to all. He has never been married and does not understand that type of commitment. Those are the needs and we are figuring out how to meet them or not.

I'm not the type of person who is clingy. I have my own life, interests and friends that allow me to be happy with doing my own thing. I'm not the type of person to be checking up on somebody. Sneaking peeks at phones or private matters.

I would love to take you to Thailand.

That sentence spoke volumes. It means he is not secure enough in his world to provide me with the things he thinks I need. But that is not what I need. Sure I would love to go to Thailand but the things I need are simpler than that. I just want to trust that he cares about me and that we do things together as a couple. I don't need a title, but I want to be able to trust that if we keep going they way we are going, that he treats me as the other half of the couple. 

There... I think I figured it out.

Couple:

1

a : two persons married, engaged, or otherwise romantically paired

b : two persons paired together