Peace of mind

The offspring 1994

So my sister arrived in a whirl wind on Monday and stayed the week. It was nice spending time with her at odd moments. However it did get overwhelming sometimes trying to write and finish NaNoWriMo with the three kids running amok through the house. A week is a long time with three children under the age of 8. Interruptions were constant and sometimes sweet, sometimes irritating.

I'm still writing away at odd moments and then some regular moments;but find myself, tired, crabby and pecking today and looking for a way into the flow of writing. Sometimes that is elusive and the best course of action is to come here and share. I still have time to finish and heading towards 40K. But at this point, I'm trying to make it flow as a shorter story and to finish, but still allowing room for it to grow after the finish. 

Thanksgiving is not my favorite holiday. Many bad memories of fights and such. This year again;Thanksgiving turned into the turmoil that it is every year. I find myself longing for it not involving what it does every year. Which is pressure, guilt and a great desire to be elsewhere in the world. Someday it would be nice to wake up on the third Thursday in November and have just a sense of peace.

It is supposed to be about family, sharing, caring and giving. All good kind things to be doing but for me every year it is an incredible amount of pressure and I wonder often if I was with someone I loved in another place would it feel any different?

Bare bones...to the root of the problem... what is the problem with this holiday for me? I have to think about it and find it. Showering to think it through and making a list of what is bothering me about this recent holiday.

List
Fights from the past.
The heartbreaking addiction of heroin.

Feeling unwelcome.

Toiling over food all day and women only.
Kids fighting.
Black Friday.
Pressure to be in more than one place at one time.
Guilt about where to be.
Anger directed at me.

Alright I have made the list. Now I'm going to think about the best Thanksgiving I have had in a long time and that was at my sisters in 2009. Her house was finished and Eric cooked. We had an eclectic group of people and drank. So why was this one so nice? No ex-husbands, no drug addicts and did not allow myself to be pressured by family about where I wanted to be. I flat out said where I wanted to be and did it. So the answer lies in me.