Crazy bag ladies

Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.  ~E.L. Doctorow

New Years Goals
1. Purge love life
2. Delete FB
3. Finish writing a book

First two down. One to go. I woke this morning after spending the previous day purging the love life of the last man. I like that word purging. But I was tired of being under the spell of what I thought it could be and woke up late last year thinking one last shot and then I'm done. The done feeling, it was coming along at the same time of letting go of Facebook so two birds killed with one stone.

Purge

1.

a. To free from impurities; purify.

b. To remove (impurities and other elements) by or as if by cleansing.

2. To rid of sin, guilt, or defilement.

3. Law To clear (a person) of a charge or an imputation. Often used with respect to contempt of court.

4.

a. To rid (a nation or political party, for example) of people considered undesirable.

b. To get rid of (people considered undesirable). 

5. Medicine

a. To cause evacuation of (the bowels).

b. To induce evacuation of the bowels in (an individual).

 

The love life not as shockingly painful as the husband which was nice.  Ahhhh that is the sigh of letting go, removing and ridding self of shit in the head, heart and mind. purging...

Terror

January 8, 2012
The day's significant planetary aspect makes you certain of one thing, and that is that you are not sure what is going on between you and your sweetest love. No matter what angle you view the situation from, it just does not seem to make any sense. Perhaps instead of wracking your brains, you would be better to cease speculating, and allow the situation to unfold of its own accord.

I'm winning in the game against terrorism. My own personal terrorism. Where I self destruct or destroy something important to me out of fear. I have been talked down a couple of times this month and it is starting to pay off, and I'm learning more about myself and about patience.

January 26, 2012

If you have had someone special in mind, then be prepared to get that much closer now, thanks to the astral energy in the air. If you are attending any kind of party or social gathering, be prepared for the temperature between you to rise dramatically. You will both feel able to share your emotions in a positive and possibly passionate way. After this you may even become a permanent item. 

Hmmmm. Terrified comes to mind and shared that today even with him and maybe admitting that to him will help him have a better understanding of why I do the things I do. 

In the zone

The Tools of the zone.

Woke to my Saturday also being a lovely snow day. What more could somebody who feels guilty about writing all day when she should go see her kids ask for, a snow day. To take the sting out of the guilt. 

Back at her...that lovely elusive woman in my life...Juliet of Curador. In the zone and after much research into the Bracero program that ran from 1942-1964 I have a whole new cast of characters and era to write in and to tie it all together. 

The zone

The thinker

I was told by one of my Chicka's I over think too much. I took that to heart, because man do I ever over think, dissect and second guess. It might come from being a writer, artistic creative type. So I have been trying to not focus so much on thinking and just letting him have the time he needs to think. But yesterday something funny happened. I texted him and he responded and then I texted him again and he did not. So I waited hours for a reply and then got all butt hurt and sent a message that said...

(S) Why do you do that
(J) Huh?
(S) Not answer a question
(J) I was thinking

And that just made me laugh with pleasure because of who he is and my reply

(S) You are possibly the only person I know that thinks more than me.

But yes I have been concentrating on writing more because it helps me think in a different way. And after a month of not working on any books I needed to focus... and god knows it keeps the voices and conversations that go round and round in my head all night and day ...at bay.

In the moment

The last two days at work were incredibly slow and I had the opportunity to write and read. The first day when it was slow I reread and started writing again on Curador. Then I ordered a book called 'The care and the feeding of the girls in the basement', by Barbara Samuel one of my favorite authors. The last chapter was about being present and this I can identify very well with as it is one of the FISH Philosophys. In this chapter she talked about being present and in the moment and by doing it with a writing exercise called 'in the moment' that you write once a day.

And this morning as I was courting the man I love with words, because writing is so much easier for me, I used that..."So this is my note for the moment." Telling him something about myself that I have never shared before with him. Then ran to the bathroom to shower and had a second AHA moment for the day while putting on lotion, so ran to my journal and wrote that down and then also thought yeah when I can't think of something to say to him... in the moment is good to use to just share with him.

Now the first AHA moment came about, after fighting those nasty little self doubt demons and then a phone conversation with my sister about identifying my behavior together and why I do what I do and need to stop.


An excerpt from Barbara Samuel's book.

“In the moment … ” By describing exactly what was happening in any given moment, the writer was free to just observe her environment and emotions without judging either her words or her world. I’m a life-long journaler, but I’d not used that phrase in my own ramblings. It proved so effective for my students, however, that I decided to try it while on a hiking trip to France. I thought it would help me remember things better.

In the moment … August, Paris, 7:30 pm I am sitting in the window of my little hotel room in the 12 Arrondissement of Paris. Fourth floor, with windows that open like French doors to the street far below—I am completely free, if I wish, to throw myself to my death, and I love having nothing between me and the world beyond except a little grate. The view is not particularly inspiring. I’m overlooking a tiny alley, and across the way is an unbeautiful gray building. But it has apartments, and I’ve spent the last hour, blearily jet-lagged but unwilling to sleep, drinking red wine from a plastic cup (it has a tiny leak, so I’ve wrapped it in tissue), smoking cigarettes, admiring the snippets of lives I can see. Red geraniums in clay pots are lined up on the outside of one window, bottles of some sort at another. Directly across the way, even with my view, is an apartment with the windows open and I can hear an Arabic family at dinner. If I spoke the language, I could eavesdrop on their conversation quite easily. Perched on their open window is a tricycle, almost poised for riding, right off the roof to the street forty feet below.

Mark Twain

Mark Twain; I would have liked to had a smoke and drink with him. You know that question where people ask what 3 famous people past or present would you like to have dinner with? Mark Twain, Cleopatra and Grace O'Malley are the first three that come to mind for me. 

I say it over and over, but I love how life flows and fate intervenes and makes things all make sense and flow in the right direction. Trying to describe on paper what I mean, or a form of paper.

"A decision made in a moment of unawareness that affects the rest of the chain of events, so that all plans flow and come together in a wondrous mix of perfect and meant to be."

Sometimes or well quite often that is how my life happens and I love it when it does.

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."

Mark Twain

I love this quote; it encompasses all my favorite things, friends that you love having in your life, and books that fill the same need and sleep, naps and cozy beds and of course allowing the small things to not matter....conscience...Conscience is an aptitude, faculty, intuition or judgment of the intellect that distinguishes right from wrong and it is best to have a sleepy one. Because it should be okay to have a small hit of pot if you need one, or a alcoholic beverage at breakfast, a nap at 3:22 if you want one and to take out the Russian Mafia in your dreams quite violently. Most of these things I just mentioned are illegal in some way or another or not appropriate and that defines to me sleepy conscience and I think Mark would have agreed.

I woke today feeling I had nothing to lose by being more and more honest and true to self and the gut feeling to keep on doing what I'm doing in my life because it is flowing in the right direction.

Welcome 2012

I need to get in the writing mood for the year. What to do, what to do. Set goals. An easy reply to self.
However; Trying to decide where to make the goal. Which book? 

So suddenly that is the answer, the goal is to select one and finish it. I have been visiting each of them in my mind trying to find or select the one that is calling. Mil, Curador, H3 have been heavy most in my thoughts. 

As an Aries I can get distracted and not finish a project. So that will be my New Years goal.

Speaking of New Years it has come and gone so swiftly. Once again, meaning we skipped a year and we were now back together... I brought in the New Year with my peeps. Celebrating in Roslyn. May all our goals, dreams and wishes come true this year!