I know how it happens.
Go to bed with anger and that is why it was there when I awoke. I'm angry at him. I'm angry that his addiction leads him to be weak, selfish and uncaring for others.
"You are not my friend." This to also echoes in my head. He is not my friend and I keep telling myself that and reminding myself that.. so hence the thoughts that are still there in the morning.
I had a long four day weekend. Long, stressful, emotional with a bit of hope tied in with it all. Mickey Blue Eyes is in rehabilitation. The first time was Friday and stressful. He checked himself out the following night and as of yesterday went back willingly.
I worked as a volunteer at the Logging Show and Mama Vallones. And I entertained the idea of a new man. That did not work out. I don't always know if it is residual doubts, but I woke in the middle of the night with thoughts that he had been coached on how to get in my bed.
No sharing, tennis and I have got your back. Odd coincidence? Probably not since he confided that he had spoke to Nick earlier that day and that made me angry as well.
I drank. Perhaps too much and ran into the lake in underwear and bra with Kelly, Jim, Kenny and Gus. The switch flipped on both of Kelly and I, suddenly we were mean and I have been angry every since. Drinking tends to bring the inner dark things to the surface in the day and also from the dark recesses of your dreams and thoughts in the night.
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