Reflecting deeply this morning and into the day. I made some snotty comments out loud in public about someone that I like but don't think is the right person for me. And then add in the reeling for the last two day for self destructing the relationship as I always do anyway and again...earlier in the week. I'm just a walking time bomb. I pulled a card and it said boredom and discontent. Discontent that is my middle name anymore.
I needed to identify the root causes of my self destruction. They are; Fear. Social pressure. Trust. Intuition. Anger.
I want to be a better person.
I want to have a relationship with someone I like on all levels.
I want to not cave in to social pressure about who is the right person for me.
I want to not self destruct my relationships.
Fear of falling. Terrified is what I said to Jim, when he asked me a question about the new man in my life. He said close your eyes. Kelly deciphered. "What he means is close your eyes and take a leap, just do it." So I did, I tried it wasn't what I was looking for and I knew it right away, after the first whiff of body odor actually. But I kept pushing myself to try and I never started feeling better about it. That is not trying to justify my recent actions but honestly in my gut I knew right after the first kiss it wasn't for me.
And I have been very hard on myself today. Pushed and pushed my thoughts to the limit. I broke it or whatever it was going to be off with Eric today. Sadly I felt nothing but relieved.
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