Sap

Holy holy, that last post was pure and sappy. But hey I guess it was what I was feeling that day. Today I'm thrilled with my new office and the desire to finish Curador. Took a picture of the new office after making #61 a healthy breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast and hash browns. He spent the night and we spent more time looking for a movie to watch then taking the time to watch it.

Lovely morning in the hood. Mt. Baldy is still casting off cool breezes till the snow melts, but the day is sunny and I'm writing this blog from my house and even with the panic of budget deficit and muttering the only thing I can think of "God will provide." I'm absolutely thrilled to be in my own digs with my stuff surrounding me.

This is the third weekend in my house and I have one more full day in it, before I have to make that bittersweet trek back to the desert. Today's agenda is to write, deep clean, maybe do some more yard work. It's daunting to look at all the projects I really need to work on; my house needs painted, the yard needs a serious amount of work, staining needs to be done and then more staining needs to be done, wood floors need to be installed and then some more staining needs to be done.

The brisk mountain air makes me excited and tired all in the same breath. It's good to be home. Life has come full circle and yes the answers lie here. The big question of the day yesterday was; is my intuition of feeling all these emotions towards a man, intuition or a portent of understanding him and myself better and finally coming full circle. I know that I cannot live without him in my life he is to good of a friend and we have been writing for months now but will that change or just be what it is.

It just happens.

Oh my it has been a while...

But have been busy... so very busy. Moving back into my house, working and commuting, research and writing and maybe falling in love with self, life and hope.

I just finished my favorite authors (Barbara O'Neal's) new book titled the 'The Garden of Happy Endings.' It instilled hope, faith and love for all things in my life. Just a beautiful book she has written, yet once again.

I have been writing and keeping in touch with that someone so special to me, he makes me ache with wanting him in my life so very badly. Everyday upon waking his name is on my lips, every night I whisper an endearment to him so far away. Every night before I fall asleep I wish and say "show me." Only to awake with the feeling of not being shown, but thinking of him and saying his name without dreaming of him. Strange... but so very me.

Long days of figuring things out. Long days of learning to let go of manipulation. Letting things just be and being patient toward living into the answers. They will come.

Coming around the bend...

Back to life. Back to reality. Back to the hear and now.

The long weekend is over. Suddenly life is rushing like the melting snows of Mount Baldy. Mount Baldy will be blowing spring breezes through my hair in a matter of days, now no longer years.

Life and it's circle is coming around to complete the circle. My renters move out next weekend and my house is mine again. I have ordered new wooden floors and interviewed for a job unexpectedly last Wednesday night that will allow me to work from home as a CSA for the new AIV team at the VCC.

I ask you? Why wouldn't they want my expertise? In fact I know they want it.

I also finished my 7 week project and wow I'm a better person for it. All my choices leading to this moment and year. So ready and eager to see what life will keep bringing my way.

Time away

Fauntleroy Rock at Cove Park

Heading west across the state to celebrate my birthday with loved ones and spending some time to research a few more places and things for the book.

West Seattle Tea Time

The sisters

Fauntleroy Ferry

Beachcombing

Guard dogs of Cove Park

Research Curador

Makes me want to paint

Sand in my shoes

Piggy back ride

Fauntleroy Creek and the ferry dock

Weekends, kinda...

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Today I'm enjoying a Saturday. A real Saturday. As my Sunday but still good to be on the same page as the others in my life. My Mom and I have plans for an Irish Dinner and my peeps and I will be going out for the holiday and to celebrate my birthday.

Horoscope for the day:

You are apt to be feeling emotionally quite brave today, Shannon, so feel free to take advantage of this feeling by extending it to the people around you. Try not to get anxious or jump ahead of yourself. Enjoy where you are at this very moment, and don't get stressed about things you feel you need to do. Be happy with yourself regardless of what you end up getting accomplished. 

Also almost finished with week 6 of the project and today's lesson is about listening without an agenda. How tough is that? To focus on a conversation and not have an agenda about yourself going on the whole time you are listening. Very tough. When I'm listening, I do a number of different things without thinking about it. I'm studying face, eyes and features. Then my thoughts and ideas crowd my mind and I want a turn to talk, or want to have a good comeback or solution.

The lesson today was to notice when you are doing that, swallow it and focus on listening instead.

Also a milestone was reached...70K on Curador!

Best hair!

I have a shitload of gray hair. It makes me feel old. My birthday is right around the corner and I swear every night I age 4 years. How is it possible? How is it possible to be suddenly middle age and aging when you still act and think like you are 25 years old or less?

#61 called this morning and he is 18 now and in his senior year. He called to say he had been nominated for "Best Hair." Which is so cool for him, since he has this cap of hair a lovely burned red, that has in his mind haunted him his entire life.

Why

 "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned," 
   William Congreve

One of my friends is attempting a relationship. I'm watching with humor as I mentally prepare myself to do the same. Why do I find humor in this? I don't know. Maybe it's not humor because I'm not laughing in amusement.... but stunned bemusement might fit, because it has happened to all of us women at some point. But it's more of a morbid fascination with how it is proceeding and how he has been fucking up lately. And we sit by on the sidelines saying 'what happened'?

Us women tend to over decipher everything, so we are told... and there is that famous line just sitting out there for us to look at, stare at and cock our heads at in taunted bemusement.
"Men are simple creatures."

Or there is that other one; "if a guy likes you he will make an effort." Or hey that other one... don't over think men because all they really care about are three things. "Boobs, beer and sports."

Men say they are blindsided by our fury, that comes out of nowhere. But a man builds it to the fury level and we try to not over think shit (we think less because we have progressed as women in our forties) but if they are so damn simple why does this stuff happen (will explain below) when they know they could get some.. in a nice hotel somewhere halfway between their lives, maybe have a beer from the corner store or over dinner. His three needs are being met...boobs, beer and sport. So why didn't he call to get it, when he has been calling and making an effort the last two months.

So this is the scenario. They met in early January and started with conversation that has progressed to dating and making time to see each other. They have now spent weekends together and had long talks on the phone. This week they tentatively set up a meet half-way meeting date and then he does not call to confirm or deny. Then he does not take her call to confirm or deny and no word for over twenty-four hours. Then he calls after the fact and acts like nothing happened, so she takes the call and makes plans to call him back because she is busy when he does finally call. Then his phone goes straight to voice mail and still three days later she is clueless to what has happened and why and the fury is building. And he acts like nothing happened. 

What has happened here? Was it miscommunication? A date with another women? Death? Dismemberment? What!

Why do men do that?