Let it Go

No matter how much I tried to let go of my fury over that woman's toxity, she still has won in the end perhaps. Nick and I broke up. Both being stubborn and not backing down.

He told me over and over that "I need to let it go."

I couldn't, it became something so much more, and I needed him to make a choice and it wasn't me. Maybe he is right, maybe I was wrong.

I have issues he said, and I do. So does he.
My ultimatum rang complete of the ending of my marriage. Noted and recognized by those around me. So I'm at this turning point. In my mind and my head about what I should do this time. Stand and fight or run. I ran last time and I'm trying hard to find the lesson in my life coming full circle. I want to run so badly again, leave this town and the insidious gossip. But I also know what I want deep down inside, but the fear of asking and getting refused makes me stubborn enough to just let it go. I want the words and I want commitment.

I miss Nick like a limb. I have good days and bad days. No actually they are a mix. I have wrote and wrote and still no answer within myself on what is the right thing to do for myself in the end. I have made a list of Pros and Cons. I read them this morning and I just miss him even with all the cons listed and staring me in the face.

I conjured him up and he startles me in the early morning by being on my porch when I stop writing and head out to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. I jump in fright, but so grateful to see him and a bit relieved that he looks like hell. Because I know I do. Crying is not a girls friend. We have a laugh together because of a shoe. I ask him a question or two. One answer is my name the other answer is "To make a point."

And it is just so hard. 

So which will it be?
My letting it go, or us letting it go.