Happy

This morning this first word from my lips was happy. I rolled over in the big bed alone and smiled at the ceiling and said it out loud. "Happy!" And I grinned with joy because I was me again. That happy person I know and love.

Why... I no longer have the rage from that woman stalking us. I no longer have the stress of alcoholism. The fury from him not hearing, understanding or listening to my worries, insecurities and fears are gone.

She is no longer sucking my happiness and joy. He is no longer sucking my happiness and joy.

It has been coming day by day as I get my life and my house back and as I get used to it being just mine again. He texted me Friday evening and it shocked me and sent me in a tailspin. Right back in that place of worry and stress. I believe he had the wrong person or that she sent it, because no one ever responded to it and that also stressed me out.

And this has taught me something: as yesterday was all quiet on the western front in my world and from theirs.

It is better not having them in it.

Pieces

'Thinking spot'

The sound of pressure, water pressure echoes through my house while I write. I'm watering the garden we planted together as I force myself to take a timed thirty minutes to write. My Eire cup is filled with almond tea and the summer sun lights the front porch in odd angles. I woke early after a late night out and today is already a tough day emotionally and tears are being squeezed back forcibly.

Yesterday he was a douchebag. Today I can only remember the good sweet moments and that is what I miss the most, those sweet moments. His face when freshly shaven and he looks so sweet, his quick grin and happiness in his eyes. Cooking and dancing together. The times I would come out on the porch and find him sitting in his thinking spot smoking and having a beer.

Woman own every feeling in a break-up and I'm on it. I write all the time. I cry when I need to.
Men are so different and baffling. Nick was moved into another woman's house in about four hours or less. But is so spitting angry with me, he will not speak with me.

What I don't miss is the stress I was constantly under. I don't miss when he was mean and unreasonable. I don't miss the stalking of Sheila. So I try to focus on those moments. But once in awhile a day sneaks in on me and I have to own the good sweet times too.

This week I finally understand and get what Jim always meant by "You love me, but you are not in love with me." At a barbeque last Saturday we had a talk and shot of tequila by the side of his truck and he said it again to me. "You love Nick, but you are not in love with Nick." I shook my head, and replied "I can never understand that comment, I just don't get the difference." He tried to explain it again. So for a couple of days I mulled on it and then asked his girlfriend Kelly over cocktails to explain it again.

"In love is when you want to be with that person no matter what happens. You don't want to lose them or ever have them go away. You want to be with them all the time."

I finally get it and of course Jim is right and maybe that is where I have fucked up. I was always walking out, away or removing Nick from my life. So now I ask myself do I want to be in love with him?

'Pieces'. Today I woke with that one word on my mind and right now I cannot give away pieces of myself. 'Pieces of my heart, pieces of my soul.' The words from Gary Allen's new song cross my mind with the thought of the word pieces.I know what I mean, when I say it but trying to explain it is difficult.

Nick said recently he would be worried about me if he left, and he explained why and so this morning I have my answer for him. When I'm grieving after a break-up there is no way I can share pieces of myself with another man. That is the difference between us... men and women. I turn something off during this time and shut it down.

And today being such a bad day I cannot decide if I it's him I miss or just the thought of him  the piece of sweetness that I miss so much.

'Pieces'

I’ve been broken, torn and scattered
I’ve loved holy, I’ve loved sin
I was rolling on the wind
It didn’t matter

I was so sure of who I didn’t want to be
Every smile and every fear
Every laugh and every tear
It was all mine, it was all me

Chorus:
Pieces of my heart
Pieces of my soul
Pieces that I’m gonna be
I don’t even know
I gave a lot to lovers
Gave a lot to friends
Everything I took from them
Made me who I am
Pieces

We’ve all been lied to
We’ve all been liars
Nothing’s perfect in this world
Everybody’s been burned by the fire
Guess I’m learning
That what breaks you, makes you grow
But I’m not hiding where I’ve been
Gonna let the light shine in
What I don’t need
Gonna let that, let that, let that go

Chorus:
Pieces of my heart
Pieces of my soul
Pieces that I’m gonna be
I don’t even know
I gave a lot to lovers
Gave a lot to friends
Everything I took from them
Made me who I am
Pieces

Pieces, the good and the bad
Pieces, the happy and sad
Pieces, the wrong and the right
Pieces, that’s my, that’s my, that’s my life

Chorus:
Pieces of my heart
Pieces of my soul
Pieces that I’m gonna be
I don’t even know
I gave a lot to lovers
Gave a lot to friends
Everything I took from them
Made me who I am
Pieces

Pieces, pieces

Ready..set..go

You can do this!

As time goes, this is just a pinch.

Tough weekend.

Suck it up buttercup.

Happy Endings

I just want my own happy ending.

Plain and simple.

The other night it came to me suddenly that I did not want to live like that anymore. The constant worry and the building anger. 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.' This thought often comes to mind lately. I just don't want to live like that anymore, enraged with fury over a woman so toxic she borders evil. An insidious evil that Nick refuses to comprehend or contain.

The alternative is to swallow and digest it. I can't and won't. Because the alternative is that it continues and I settle. I'm better than this. I deserve love and respect.

I set it up to leave, to be inaccessible for some time. To grieve and make myself stronger to walk away from this and yet then he texts me good news and I waiver. Because I miss him so. But I swallow a beer with a bitter pill and ignore it. Because it would be giving in and up and I can't go back to the way it was.

She won't stop, this i know.

in·sid·i·ous  

/inˈsidēəs/

Adjective Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects: "the insidious effects of stress". Treacherous; crafty: "an insidious alliance".

Synonyms sly - treacherous - guileful - crafty - perfidious

Let it Go

No matter how much I tried to let go of my fury over that woman's toxity, she still has won in the end perhaps. Nick and I broke up. Both being stubborn and not backing down.

He told me over and over that "I need to let it go."

I couldn't, it became something so much more, and I needed him to make a choice and it wasn't me. Maybe he is right, maybe I was wrong.

I have issues he said, and I do. So does he.
My ultimatum rang complete of the ending of my marriage. Noted and recognized by those around me. So I'm at this turning point. In my mind and my head about what I should do this time. Stand and fight or run. I ran last time and I'm trying hard to find the lesson in my life coming full circle. I want to run so badly again, leave this town and the insidious gossip. But I also know what I want deep down inside, but the fear of asking and getting refused makes me stubborn enough to just let it go. I want the words and I want commitment.

I miss Nick like a limb. I have good days and bad days. No actually they are a mix. I have wrote and wrote and still no answer within myself on what is the right thing to do for myself in the end. I have made a list of Pros and Cons. I read them this morning and I just miss him even with all the cons listed and staring me in the face.

I conjured him up and he startles me in the early morning by being on my porch when I stop writing and head out to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. I jump in fright, but so grateful to see him and a bit relieved that he looks like hell. Because I know I do. Crying is not a girls friend. We have a laugh together because of a shoe. I ask him a question or two. One answer is my name the other answer is "To make a point."

And it is just so hard. 

So which will it be?
My letting it go, or us letting it go.

Toxicity

I have decided to remove a toxic person from my life. Why even waste breathe on the woman any longer. After last night and her toxic fumes. I'm done with it. So I'm making an oath to myself to avoid and desist from seeing her.

1 week I will not say her name
1 week I will not see her corroded mug
1 week I will not put any money into her business

Clearing the mechanism

Sometimes it takes getting away from the norm to get into the world I need to be in. Yesterday I went with Nick out to The Hootenany Ranch. I set up my perch on Jackson's deck with a beer and my laptop and my view is as shown below. The day was very hot but with a heavy breeze. I started writing a scene from a new book idea based on a dream that I blogged about awhile back called 'Endtime'. The scene is part of a thought and conversation with a fisherman from years ago and as I sat looking over the river that thought returned to me and I decided to use the kernel and this location for the book.

The river, the location everything was perfect.

An odd note... is that as I started in on this new book, I realized the characters name was also Jackson. Now that was a bit spooky, but right... all in the same moment.

As Nick finished working he came and sat down with us on the porch. Jackson, Nick, Keith, me and Simone in that order sat at the porch bar that overlooks the river and chatted. It came up that I had been writing and they asked about publishing as people always do. I tried back in December but not real hard, what writing really is too me is clearing the mechanism so that I don't have all the voices in my head.

We packed up and headed to town, stopping at the Brick for a cocktail and to order a Pizza from Village. We took the pizza home, ate and then headed down to the Eagles to watch the Mariners game. We stopped into the Pasttime as we headed home to see if the garden had been watered then decided to head home to water our garden and return for the band 'The Of.' I hopped in the shower and washed my lake from the day before and now river hair, then put on make-up and a cute outfit.

My favorite moment of the day came when Nick and I were sitting at a table at the Pasttime and Shiela showed up drunk and spewing her hatred. At one point he leans into me and says, "I liked watching you today, writing. You would look up and stare at the river, talk to yourself a bit and then nod and start writing, it was cool." I glanced over at him with wonder, because their is nothing I needed more then at that moment then to know that he was watching me without me knowing it and it was the sweetest thing to say while she sat across from us spewing her angst. 

I believe I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut at that table and probably have made an enemy. But after the last two days, I'm comfortable knowing what my man needs and wants. So I will be the better behaved classy woman and sting her when appropriate because the thing she wants most is mine anyway and that is the sweetest revenge.