"If I quieted the voices in my head I would face the day with nothing to write."

“The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is that you really want to say.” Mark Twain.

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”
― Roald Dahl
Key:
G-Unit=Grandpa
FLS=Favorite Little Sister
Sassy Red head=Shana
True Friend=Laura
Mermaid/Slo/Tripod/Chickas=Shannon 1

Spanish Princess/Tripod/Chicka/Vette =Yvette
#61=Youngest son
Mickey Blue Eyes=Oldest son.
BFTP (Blast from the past)/The last Frontier=gone
Big Jim as himself
Vitamin C as himself
G-Man=Garth/Bossman.

Nick as himself

Friday, July 26, 2013

Let it Go


No matter how much I tried to let go of my fury over that woman's toxity, she still has won in the end perhaps. Nick and I broke up. Both being stubborn and not backing down.

He told me over and over that "I need to let it go."

I couldn't, it became something so much more, and I needed him to make a choice and it wasn't me. Maybe he is right, maybe I was wrong.

I have issues he said, and I do. So does he.
My ultimatum rang complete of the ending of my marriage. Noted and recognized by those around me. So I'm at this turning point. In my mind and my head about what I should do this time. Stand and fight or run. I ran last time and I'm trying hard to find the lesson in my life coming full circle. I want to run so badly again, leave this town and the insidious gossip. But I also know what I want deep down inside, but the fear of asking and getting refused makes me stubborn enough to just let it go. I want the words and I want commitment.

I miss Nick like a limb. I have good days and bad days. No actually they are a mix. I have wrote and wrote and still no answer within myself on what is the right thing to do for myself in the end. I have made a list of Pros and Cons. I read them this morning and I just miss him even with all the cons listed and staring me in the face.

I conjured him up and he startles me in the early morning by being on my porch when I stop writing and head out to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. I jump in fright, but so grateful to see him and a bit relieved that he looks like hell. Because I know I do. Crying is not a girls friend. We have a laugh together because of a shoe. I ask him a question or two. One answer is my name the other answer is "To make a point."

And it is just so hard. 

So which will it be?
My letting it go, or us letting it go.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Toxicity

I have decided to remove a toxic person from my life. Why even waste breathe on the woman any longer. After last night and her toxic fumes. I'm done with it. So I'm making an oath to myself to avoid and desist from seeing her.

1 week I will not say her name
1 week I will not see her corroded mug
1 week I will not put any money into her business


Clearing the mechanism

Sometimes it takes getting away from the norm to get into the world I need to be in. Yesterday I went with Nick out to The Hootenany Ranch. I set up my perch on Jackson's deck with a beer and my laptop and my view is as shown below. The day was very hot but with a heavy breeze. I started writing a scene from a new book idea based on a dream that I blogged about awhile back called 'Endtime'. The scene is part of a thought and conversation with a fisherman from years ago and as I sat looking over the river that thought returned to me and I decided to use the kernel and this location for the book.

The river, the location everything was perfect.

An odd note... is that as I started in on this new book, I realized the characters name was also Jackson. Now that was a bit spooky, but right... all in the same moment.

As Nick finished working he came and sat down with us on the porch. Jackson, Nick, Keith, me and Simone in that order sat at the porch bar that overlooks the river and chatted. It came up that I had been writing and they asked about publishing as people always do. I tried back in December but not real hard, what writing really is too me is clearing the mechanism so that I don't have all the voices in my head.

We packed up and headed to town, stopping at the Brick for a cocktail and to order a Pizza from Village. We took the pizza home, ate and then headed down to the Eagles to watch the Mariners game. We stopped into the Pasttime as we headed home to see if the garden had been watered then decided to head home to water our garden and return for the band 'The Of.' I hopped in the shower and washed my lake from the day before and now river hair, then put on make-up and a cute outfit.

My favorite moment of the day came when Nick and I were sitting at a table at the Pasttime and Shiela showed up drunk and spewing her hatred. At one point he leans into me and says, "I liked watching you today, writing. You would look up and stare at the river, talk to yourself a bit and then nod and start writing, it was cool." I glanced over at him with wonder, because their is nothing I needed more then at that moment then to know that he was watching me without me knowing it and it was the sweetest thing to say while she sat across from us spewing her angst. 

I believe I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut at that table and probably have made an enemy. But after the last two days, I'm comfortable knowing what my man needs and wants. So I will be the better behaved classy woman and sting her when appropriate because the thing she wants most is mine anyway and that is the sweetest revenge.



Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The festering essay



Sitting down to write for thirty minutes timed.. time to start again.. maybe if I do write…all that is rotting with this constant onslaught of Sheila will subside. I don’t like the person I have become; worrying, insecure and needy.

That woman just makes my skin crawl with distaste. Now that is a good first line of a story. So I shall write a story.

The woman just makes my skin crawl with distaste. I’m harboring a festering stomach wound because of that sly, snarky and completely distasteful woman.  I’m shocked by my level of hate, distaste and rage this woman makes me feel. She is this year’s Karen Dardis. The only other woman in the world, I hate as much.

Last night I guiltily checked his texts again, standing in the dark of the kitchen at the counter. Actually I have to turn his phone on first as it lays there charging. Me I’m charged with guilt, resentment and a neediness that makes me feel like a worm. But again; I’m not shocked to find three from her and as I read one. “I want you in my bed again, it was lovely.” And the next “miss you.” My gut just dropped to the floor in agony and then I was so coldly pissed. Covered in chills and hit with a rage so deep I could envision myself lighting her business on fire or shooting out a window or what I so badly want to do is come up on her in an alley some night while she is drunk and toss a bag over her head and run her face down a brick wall.

I cannot stand this woman. She is like no one I have ever come across with her mean personality, buying and bullying friends and belittling them as she does it all.

I could not sleep and when I did it was fitful. A storm rolled through and I thought my heart would break with the dark thoughts of not having in him my life anymore, not sharing the summer storms we love so much. I love this man. I got up and took the soft blanket with me, wrapping it around me while I rolled a cigarette and then went outside to sit on the porch in the dark.

Waiting for the lightning.
Waiting for the thunder.

Alone. Wishing he was sharing this storm with me, but so sad that it might never happen again. Beating myself up over and over about why he would be with me if he is having sex with her. When was he doing it, why? How often? The questions raged through me, but always returning to why? I have given him so many chances to be with her if he wants to, why does he stay and act like he cares, if he is fucking her? Tears start in my eyes and raindrops hit my face and the blanket. I reach down to move the blanket out of the rain a bit. The dark Prussian western sky lights up with a searing piece of lightning, making me blink in shock and blindness. A wind brings goosebumps to my arms, I rub the rain off them as well.  The lightning, It is followed slowly by thunder in the mountains. I put out my cigarette and wipe my face, moving tears and rain away and go back to bed. I had texted him previously. “Shouldn’t go to bed early and leave your cell phone laying around dirtbag. This you will get in the morning right after her lovely bed comment. You are such a lying piece of shit.” Then later I sent another. “Fuck you.” All night I warred with myself about what to do and say to him. One minute I wanted to throw cold water on him, the next, hoping beyond anything we were even and that he would pick me. I must of fell asleep because he woke me, walking past the guest room where I was sleeping. I wished he could hear how much I needed him to be the man I need him to be.

As the sun came up, I finally got up and took a shower and dressed. Hoping to get the pain fullest of days started. How could he deny it now? How could he keep lying to my face about it? I glanced down at him with resentment, he was sleeping so peacefully and he looked so sweet as I put on yesterday’s pants and tank tops.  I went to the couch and tried to read, wrote some in my diary and tried to sleep yet again. I give up.


Tossing the phone on the bed and waking him. I say “You better read your messages, because I would like to get this day over with.”

He reads them and I carefully watch his blue green eyes taking in the tan of his skin as he lays tangled in sheets. Looking more sexy than a man should be allowed first thing in the morning. His blue eyes they are clear of alcohol, they are clear of guilt and he says abruptly “I’m not fucking her, I swear I’m not. I have never been in her bed.”

“Then why does she say this shit, why does she keep texting this shit?”
“I don’t know. I told her to stop.”
“I want to believe you, but why would she say this stuff.”
He pulls me into bed with him, and I want to believe in him so very badly it makes me want to cry in fear, lack of trust and hope. He wraps his arms around me and he smells my hair.“Did you shower, already?”
“I couldn’t sleep because that woman is eating me alive.” I lay there and we are both silent for a long time. Finally I say,“there was a storm last night.”
“I know I watched it, when I woke up at four to pee and smoke. It was raining so hard. I woke up and put my hand to where you were supposed to be and you weren’t there.” I smile at the dresser as I stare across the room lying in his arms, his body heat taking the sting out of the night. Wondering if he wished I had been awake for the storm with him at the same time, just like I had earlier missed him.

He says into my hair and neck, “why did you sleep in the other room?”
“You were hogging the bed and snoring like a freight train, again.”

He pulls me tighter into him, his breath comes over my shoulder and then his voice. “I turned my phone off last night.”
“I know,” I say guiltily, “it’s making me crazy that she texts you and I just could not help myself.”
I sigh and roll over to put my head on his chest, glad that he is here and yet still my heart is so heavy.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Gossip Girls



Gossip is idle talk or rumor about the personal or private affairs of others. It is one of the oldest and most common means of sharing facts, views and slander.

Of late; there are vicious rumors, rooms full of them, that abound and taunt. A vicious cycle. A vicious circle. How does one keep faith? How does one get any sleep?

I find myself at the heart of it, defending someone I care about very much. So what could be worse than gossip? That is simply the word doubt. My brain swirls, turns and bumps into things all night. Do you know that bump I'm talking about? You are just about to sleep, and you bump into a thought and all hell breaks loose in your head and you jump back into yourself with a jolt like you have bumped into a wall.

Last night I tossed and turned, rolled and sighed all night long. Doubt, jealousy and a bit of rage at this place I'm suddenly living in, in my life. Doubting what I know, doubting what he says. Wishing to have the old 'happy place' days back because I'm terrified to trust him enough to trust him. Because that little nagging bitch, called doubt is killing my trust that I'm so terrified will be thrown in my face like those meth lies of old.

It makes doubt winning over truth and I don't want it too. Popping Tums like candy to settle it.

People approaching me in a "delicate" manner. People asking out of concern. People just fucking talking. Questioning me with their opinion of what is going on. Wanting to know, wanting to share. I fucking hate it. Interlopers, seemingly trying to make me aware of something I'm well aware of for crying out loud.

But who is the worse threat, really?

Him
Her
Myself