Debauchery

Such a great word.....Debauchery.

1. Indulgence in sensual pleasures; scandalous activities involving sex, alcohol, or drugs without inhibition.

It started with a glass of finally opened $150 bottle of McCallan that came with a surprising spicy lingering burn. I sipped some fine Scottish whiskey on my weekend. McCallan, McClellands, Glenmorangie and the still elusive Abelour...perhaps on New Years.

My favorite man in the entire world turned forty yesterday. Number #61 and I headed from the dry sagelands to the wet mountains. Rain; sheets of it and dense fog glowing red in taillights started at Manashstash Ridge. I dropped him off with friends and went to the blue house tucked in under the ridge on seventh hill and kissed the birthday boy on the lips and promptly poured myself a glass of that McCallan. I visited for awhile and then had to go deliver some potatoes and change outfits for the dual birthday parties. The party was jolly and it was good to be back.

Made sure he got home safe and sound.

Then a ram and goat butt heads and settled with...

An invitation to breakfast and later the fulfillment of a birthday wish.

This afternoon, huddled under the duvet and tucked into fine thread count sheets, I slumbered only to be awakened by "Honey I'm home, where are you?" She leaps onto the bed with me and we have a sweet catch up beyond last nights hug, then she drags me out of bed to hang with the men and to start sampling the selections of whiskey. The wicked but charming Trish is much more of a fidgeter than I will ever be and with some delight; Nick and I watch her torture Jim. By hiding things. A cooking pot hung on the ceiling in his bedroom. A brush in the freezer, his favorite black lighter on the ledge of a door. She keeps picking up things and moving them. I laugh and watch from the couch and take a picture of her. Finishing the McClellands I pour a shot of the Glenmorangie... hmmm a very different whiskey, sweet and flavorful, perhaps better than the Dalwhinnie one of my all time favorites.


He is burning a copy of my new Christmas CD; Mumford and Sons and then loading all of my CD's into his computer. I prompt him to make sure he loads our favorite Madonna CD. How can you not love a man that likes Madonna?

Alas I must head home to work, returning soon for the end of the year, they call Stan the Taxi Man to move the debauchery to Roslyn and I lock the door behind me as I leave.

Imagination

Imagination I have plenty of that. I really like my scope for the day. It does a good job defining some of my morning to me, because if we don't have wishes and dreams then the world is not filled with color, life and hope.

Today is your day to dream, and dream big, Shannon. Think about what it is that you want most out of life. Aim your arrow at the stars and pull back your bow as far as possible. There is no limit to how far you can go. Your only limitation is your own imagination. Don't worry if your plan doesn't seem to make any rational sense. Worry more about what you want and less about how you are going to get it.

Winding up and down

I have pretty much taken the month off from writing and almost got up to write a blog yesterday from my nap, but then as always told myself I would remember what my subject matter was in my mind and then as always I forgot when I got here this morning.  I had an idea and it has flew the coop, instead what is on my mind are dreams and my growling stomach. My dreams have been quite memorable of late, but this morning on my day off, I woke in the dark not remembering what it was that woke me. As I went to sleep last night my stomach was growling, loudly and this morning it is the same.

Tonight I get to make and eat dinner fresh rather than packing it up and taking it to work. I plan to make Green Onion Pancakes and Mu Shu Pork. The green onion pancakes are rather divine flatbreads and I'm sharing the recipe.

1 1/2 cup of flour
3/4 Cup of water
1 Tbsp of vegetable oil. Plus 3 more for frying
1 Tbsp salt
1/3 cup thinly sliced green onions.

Very simple really! Combine flour and water and mix into a dough. Lightly flour a work surface and your hands and pour dough onto counter and knead for five minutes. Cover the dough and let it rest for five minutes. Divide the dough into portions and roll out into pancake. Coat the pancake with a bit of oil and sprinkle with salt and green onion. Fold it up and roll it out again, cook in oil till lightly browned on each side. Drain and keep warm in paper towels.

Eat with Chinese food... We will be eating it with Mu Shu Pork and rice.

And as for dreams this week by far the most intimidating was my favorite! I shared it at work and scared the boys on my team. They will not be loaning or borrowing money from me...Now if I could just get them to stop bumming cigarettes.

Number 61 was gambling with Playstation/X-box buying shit online and through applications with his debit card and was arrested for stealing. I slapped him when I found out he was stealing. And he fessed up telling me he had too, to pay his bills. Then suddenly we are sitting in the living room and the Russians come to the house, and they sat down on the couch across from me with #61 in the middle and tell me "He is into us for twelve K." (add in Russian accent) and I knew we would never get rid of them or be able to pay them back, the loan would grow and change as we all know they do with anyone from the mafia. And as my son sat between him and his bodyguard he made this sound...a moan that I can still hear in real life and I decided there was only one solution.

I shot them both through the head and we fed them to the pigs like they did in Deadwood.

I woke up saying that exact line..."And I fed them to the pigs like they did in Deadwood."

Now later in the real day, Mickey Blue Eyes calls me and says "I won Fantasy Football." He is betting and gambling and just won $500.  So in my mind tying this together to make sense....lol. #61 has been in trouble with the law recently, the older son is gambling and of course I have parents calling me all the time at work for their kids purchasing apps without permission (we give refunds though). And #61 and I watched Deadwood together and they did feed the bad guys to the pigs and if I was a criminal I would want to be an assassin. Happy Wednesday!

In review

I love night photo's they make me want to paint. Downtown Ellensburg after dinner with my boys.

Went out and about with my peeps to get our pictures taken with Santa. Santa was naughty and we were nice.

Christmas is just around the corner and Peak Q4 is building slowly this year. I think the after Christmas moments will be the coming of the onslaught of customers.

My baby boy turned 18 this week and many people asked me; "Does that make you sad?"
"No, it makes me excited for him, to start his life and become who he wants to be in it." Is my reply.

But on reflection; bittersweet for all the memories from the beginning of both my children's lives. It does go by so fast on reflection; snippets of moments... that come to you when a memory is triggered. The hope that they will be okay and have happy lives. I love them so and very proud of the men they are becoming.

The end of days

This is a terrific day for you, Shannon, and you will find that there is a great deal of power at your disposal. This is a day of new beginnings. You have the opportunity now to start over and create a solid emotional base from which to work. Rid yourself of negative feelings and self-doubt. Use this day as an opportunity to strike out on new ground and achieve whatever you set your heart on.

My lovely horoscope for the day. Nice!
This morning, is shrouded in fog once again. It has overcome us actually and the sun has lost the battle for the last couple of days. I woke late this morning, having gone to see the movie New Years Eve with Vette. It was pleasantly sweet and we laughed and cried a little. We laughed really hard at the chick in the audience with the delayed hyena cackle and we cried when the previews had Titanic coming back to theaters and that damn song; 'My heart will go' on started playing.
        Ahhh big sigh...
        Vette next to me says in a silent scream ..."Jack. Jack. Jack." and that lightens the moment and we get the silent giggles.

New Years Eve had a big cast and kept surprising us with it and we enjoyed it. I also watched Friends with Benefits recently and liked it enough to watch it twice.

Also this last couple of months brings back memories of where I was last year, something else I have been thinking about. "The Last Frontier." I have no regrets for not being with him and time has been a little kinder in thoughts of him. It is still; about intuition... about someone who was not right for me and I feel bad that it took spending time with each other in person to know it and I feel bad for the way it ended. But the gut feeling of lack of truth, his verbalizing of ex-wife and knowing how much he lied to his wife from experience... it all came down to that and that one word...Truth. I have to have somebody who is truthful, trustworthy and honest and I need to be the same for them. He nor my ex-husband are any of those I have come to realize this year. How can I be truth for them if they are not the same for me... 

The end of the year is about cleaning up the messes you have made in a way. I'm spending this December in reflection and sweeping out the mind closet preparing myself for the New Year. The fog tends to hold everything down at street level so that you have to keep staring at it. I have come to a lot of realizations this year and look forward to breaking new ground.

pondering

I love that word, pondering.

I have taken a week off from writing for many reasons; to step back from characters and the story and to immerse myself in my real life, another reason my hands and wrists ache from typing. The final reason just finalizing a year in my life in my diary. Oh yeah and to get some birthday and Christmas shopping done...damn and to make some stuff and as always to work. Pondering...it all and writing in my diary the best outcome for the New Year over and over in my mind and on paper. Seriously... spending large amounts of time, writing in my diary closing the year and planning the next. Taking all that I have learned about myself this year and focusing on the new year coming.

When I sat aside the book Curador for the week my first thought was man, is that it. Do I have anymore left in me, meaning how could I possibly have another book idea, I'm so brain dead at this point. So I comforted myself with thoughts of finishing all the others and then headed to work. As I'm driving; I'm thinking write your own happy ending and what do you know...an idea for a new book springs forth...Flagstaff Arizona and the title All Roads. Got to work while at work, doing some research and searching on ideas, and thoughts start filtering through... railroad, hotel, the Lowell Observatory, characters, ideas. Had to laugh and shake my head, but started a new file and started sticking the snippets of it in there. 

That is really how it starts, snippets of feelings, characters and a location. I start researching and finding intriguing tidbits of history. Then I feel conversations and write them down quick one liners as fast as I can type to what I think. Then I go back and start adding layers, over and over and over. I also start making a soundtrack of what kind of songs will put me in the mood of the book. First one on this book that came to mind while writing Curador, but was not on its soundtrack. But I cannot seem to get it out of mind for the new book All Roads. Take it Easy by The Eagles.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XByaqHhBFqE&feature=fvst

And then stepping back in Curador because it is by no means finished. I think about the original idea of it and getting some of that into it, because ideas of where I want to go with it are still surfacing. The barrio, childhood and hops. Also thinking about removing a character that has not really voiced itself and others that I have heard.  So yes pondering comes to mind and if I don't write it all down in some format I might lose my mind.

Sometimes

Sometimes you just need to have fun; cute little martini's and girl time. Tonight my mermaid and I went to a holiday party and had some fun and hang time. It was just what I needed and we had so much fun. Drinking, eating and acting immature and then we shopped. Coats...boots... can't live without them.

We caught up on all our trials, tribulations of our lives while cutting loose. One of our favorite moments from the night was her first taste of edamame and a big woot to her husband for some great propositions in his career this week. 

Oh and then I forgot I won a bottle of  Baileys Irish Cream and my mermaid she hauled that thing around in her purse while we shopped.

A good laugh and good company doesn't get much better than that!

Flicking the bean.

Peace and Quiet

I don't have much to say today. Taking a week off from writing books but trying to write in some format, but pretty dry for ideas. The last time I was in Roslyn I went to say goodbye to Jim, as he was leaving for Chile and Nick was in the bar meeting up with him too. And Nick said something to me I have been reflecting on for days. He said, "You look really good. I mean really good, what's different?" Nothing that I could think of, because I have not had a face lift, but suddenly this week it came to me. I'm happy and at peace.

I applied for three jobs yesterday in Seattle, making myself shake my head in surprise. But KDP was hiring and another job looked intriguing. I have stated many times at Amazon that I want to go to the KDP and there suddenly there were two job openings in that department and a cool one at Zoot. What prompted even looking for a change was of course...my horoscope for Sunday.

"Today much of your mental energies, and possibly your physical energy, are likely to be directed toward career matters. You might find yourself re-evaluating your goals and ambitions, Shannon, and possibly considering other possibilities. The desire for additional income might be the catalyst that gets you going, but there's more to it than that. This is definitely a good day to give thought to a number of options. By this time next week, you might have actually made a few decisions."

So I thought what the heck... Mostly I'm ready to make more money methinks, and then the path of life and fate might need a bump to see where I'm supposed to end up. My parents are off in Cali and I have some time alone for the next two weeks. My baby is turning 18 in a matter of days, it's his senior year and I want to go home.

rending

Well after trying to play catch up, I posted at 11:59 PM 49,419 so close but not enough for submitting.
I did learn much about writing and myself in the month of November.
1. That I love to write
2. That I can write every single day
3. That I can write a story in 50K. It is past that now.
4. That I have another one brewing already and that makes 5 or more in the works.
5. That I would love to write for a living.
6. That I can do it.

The lessons were more important than the actual submission, but man did I write my ass off trying to make it. I was bereft when finished because I was lonely suddenly without the characters in my everyday life. I have printed one copy and saved the 50K version as itself.

One of the other amazing things I discovered was how much the original inkling of an idea changed. I keep notes of thoughts; some written on paper and some in my laptop and going back through them I'm surprised at how much the characters, story took on a life of their own. It's funny to go back and read some of the first notes and excerpts. The large amount of scribbled notes and research that goes into some of the thoughts. just plain crazy!

I have stepped back for a couple of days from it and it may change again.

Peace of mind

The offspring 1994

So my sister arrived in a whirl wind on Monday and stayed the week. It was nice spending time with her at odd moments. However it did get overwhelming sometimes trying to write and finish NaNoWriMo with the three kids running amok through the house. A week is a long time with three children under the age of 8. Interruptions were constant and sometimes sweet, sometimes irritating.

I'm still writing away at odd moments and then some regular moments;but find myself, tired, crabby and pecking today and looking for a way into the flow of writing. Sometimes that is elusive and the best course of action is to come here and share. I still have time to finish and heading towards 40K. But at this point, I'm trying to make it flow as a shorter story and to finish, but still allowing room for it to grow after the finish. 

Thanksgiving is not my favorite holiday. Many bad memories of fights and such. This year again;Thanksgiving turned into the turmoil that it is every year. I find myself longing for it not involving what it does every year. Which is pressure, guilt and a great desire to be elsewhere in the world. Someday it would be nice to wake up on the third Thursday in November and have just a sense of peace.

It is supposed to be about family, sharing, caring and giving. All good kind things to be doing but for me every year it is an incredible amount of pressure and I wonder often if I was with someone I loved in another place would it feel any different?

Bare bones...to the root of the problem... what is the problem with this holiday for me? I have to think about it and find it. Showering to think it through and making a list of what is bothering me about this recent holiday.

List
Fights from the past.
The heartbreaking addiction of heroin.

Feeling unwelcome.

Toiling over food all day and women only.
Kids fighting.
Black Friday.
Pressure to be in more than one place at one time.
Guilt about where to be.
Anger directed at me.

Alright I have made the list. Now I'm going to think about the best Thanksgiving I have had in a long time and that was at my sisters in 2009. Her house was finished and Eric cooked. We had an eclectic group of people and drank. So why was this one so nice? No ex-husbands, no drug addicts and did not allow myself to be pressured by family about where I wanted to be. I flat out said where I wanted to be and did it. So the answer lies in me.

Rant of the day

News alert: breathing will get you killed.
 
I have been arguing with this kid at work... and I mean kid.. young enough to be my son..He cracks me up, very open about being gay and I love gay men; actually I love men period. I'm surrounded by them. Digital is a man's world at Amazon and I'm on a team of twenty-five and we have only five girls. The twenty guys are... with the exception of the two close to my own age... all young enough to be my kid. I love them all and they always make me the heavy.

Anyway he was giving me a hard time about smoking. And I can put up a damn good argument about smoking. Everything in moderation is my motto; because If you give up the things you love to live a healthy life style, shocker news alert... you still fucking die.

I eat incredibly healthy, I'm not overweight or close to obese. But once in a while I like a McDonald's Happy Meal. Once in a while I like to have an almond joy candy bar for breakfast and once in a while I like to have a cigarette. I smoke a pack of cigarettes in about three days...so a moderate smoker but still addicted. But I smoke American Spirit without all the additives. The healthy choice for smoking. I like to have a beer or a drink every now and then at whatever time of the day I feel like it......but I will still end up dying in the end..... and yes I could die from lung cancer. However I could die from lung cancer from never having smoked at all. That happens to people all the time, every day technically....something kills them whether they enjoyed it or not .

People run around denying themselves meat, dairy, alcohol, coffee, tea and all kinds of fun tidbits that make life enjoyable. They work out, eat right, avoid second hand smoke, don't do drugs and do the right things  and guess what in the end they still get the same outcome I do...... dead. Just saying.

In life there are a lot of nasty stinky habits... pooping, farting, spitting, burping, tanning and I put up with them from all of you when I don't necessarily want too. I smoke outside and there are nasty loogeys everywhere and it's a disgusting habit, because your snot gets on my boot and then goes everywhere with me for the rest of the day. I walk into a restroom and somebody took a nasty shit from a god-awful meal they just ate, that's a nasty habit, but I put up with it because we all have to poop. But if you eat right your shit would not stink so bad. Coughing and sneezing into your hand and touching my stuff right after is a nasty habit and could kill me. Tanning beds make you stink and make you look old before your time. Smoking is all of these things; disgusting, unhealthy, stinky...but you know what it makes me happy to have one outside in the fresh air. I put up with you and all your nasty habits, stop complaining about mine.

To this kid who could possibly die from aids as a gay man, is he going to stop that lifestyle to avoid it? Probably not because he would be unhappy and miserable and the point is we do only get one life and yeah it sucks to be addicted to things but get this... we. are. still. every. single. one. of. us.... going to have the same end no matter what we do or don't do in life.

DEAD

This scared the piss out of me this morning.

It is important for you to be extra cautious today, Shannon. Make sure you are calm and collected before you get behind the wheel of a car. Be sure to have a helmet on if you are riding your bike. Strong emotions that come up today are apt to trigger a physical response that could be quite powerful and even a bit violent. Be careful of such tendencies.

I had a lot of driving to do today and frankly did not appreciate this first thing in the morning. So I was careful driving in the snow. And I kept my panties on. And I made sure to walk with ballerina attitude. So having made it safely through the day I'm proud to say I wrote my ass off yesterday and passed the milestone of halfway!

Hang time

Yesterday I pulled the car out of the garage and headed to the mountains. Listening to music and thoughts. Thoughts of avoiding any temptation and steering around fate. I picked up #61 from school and we went to his new house and it is very nice, cozy. I like that this new woman in the Father of my children's life is normal and cozy, I met her finally on the last visit and liked her instantly. The house is a happy place and all the men are happy. Mickey Blue Eyes showed up and we had a nice visit, then #61 and I packed up the car and headed East away from it all.

We stopped at the store and bought fixings for Clam Chowder and also any other cravings we might have that the house is out of due to no one eating too much of the fun stuff. Brownies, ice-cream, chips. I made dinner and #61  caught up on his games and downloads and then we watched the movie Invictus.

This morning finds me writing on Curador, frantically with ideas and keeping up with the days requirement, yet I'm consumed with thoughts of my life and the man that I love and can't seem to have. This morning, my day is consumed by him and suddenly I had an Epiphany, once in a while that happens if I take the thoughts down, so far down I'm at the bones of the thoughts.

Commitment. I'm terrified of commitment because I want it to be the right man and I think that he is. But the fear comes from the opposite direction,wanting commitment so badly with everything it entails. That I run from it, because it needs to be the right person. I like marriage, commitment and loyalty. So the epiphany is that I'm not running from it I have decided, I'm running to it. I'm waiting for the right person to commit too.

In my dreams this year it has shown me so much of him, for a change in them. He is turning forty this year in just a month in fact and will that be the moment? Our turning point finally. The dreams of never being in the same room at the same time and then the other where he grew up because of turning forty. But it's not so much him growing up as both of us maturing into who we need to be for each other.

On the complete opposite of the axis with being ready is the behavior in the first paragraph where I avoid him and fate at all costs. So that if it is never going to be the right time, I can still be okay with that. Avoiding being a mess after touchdown per say, a defense mechanism.

This morning #61 and I made roll-ups our visit ends tomorrow and we settled back into being together well and happily.  My dreams have been waking me suddenly in the night. They are not always what I want them to be and I'm fighting them but the worries in the pit of my stomach are prevalent and have to be handled.... but why at 4 am and 2 am concurrently?

Ah, can you hear the sigh, it is my weekend. I have this day for myself to catch up on writing and just being. Then tomorrow off to the mountains like at the beginning of this post to take care of appointment with #61. It has been snowing in locations all over the State, the holidays are just around the corner and the Kindle Fire was released early.

This mornings horoscope.

Tap into the electrifying energy of the day, Shannon, which encourages social interactions and activities that include partners. You will find that there is a great deal of oxygen to keep your internal fire raging quite hot. Take the lead and others will follow you willingly. Chords may be struck within you today that will resonate with large plans that you have been secretly brewing in the back of your mind for quite some time now.

Undone

This disturbs me....

As I began the day I always look at my horoscope and sometimes they are easy to toss off. But this one disturbs me and it will be interesting with the plans I have today to reflect on it tonight. It's Tuesday and my Friday, which is a schedule that seriously messes with my head in identifying the frigging day that it really is.

Your horoscope for November 9, 2011
	Secure your bunker and make sure it is fully stocked with the heavy artillery because there is bound to be a battle, Shannon. Trust that you need to be fully prepared to enter into the fight today, because you do. There are actually some battles that you like - the ones that get things rolling and that produce results. It will soon become clear which type this is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWslXN68dSw&feature=related

Love this song and woke up with it my head and did not wake up in any sort of battle mode let alone battle gear. (She says this as she glances down at her tank top and pajama bottoms). Yeah, not really battle gear.. maybe If I put on a bra.

Rendered helpless by those wicked charms. Love that line from this song and no one can say the word undone like Shaun Morgan of Seether. And I love that word undone. It encompasses so many things naughty and nice and perhaps that is the battle I'm going to face today, dressing for a battle with naughty. Another great word itself. Along with wicked.

Wicked
Undone
Naughty

So it is a Seether kind of writing morning and my favorite song from the new album.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PA3rwOBC8E&NR=1

Also plan to write, write and write another battle all its own. And for shits and giggles Shaun at Uproar coming live from my own iPhone. The second mans voice this week that I have listened to that could melt chocolate. Ah, here is the battle.... the incredibly tough challenge of uploading a video from iPhone to computer to blog. jfc. what a nightmare. Going to have to shower and put on a bra to figure this one out.

Two attempts and getting some not happy going on. A couple of years later.. and I have figured it the hell out.

Airborne

Ill today with chest cold, nasty ass cough, eyebrow headache and sipping on some Airborne after waking from a early morning nap. First cold in.....two years? Anyway quite pissy about it, I hate being sick. Still plugging away at NaNoWriMo at 14,440 words and happily above target. At seven days in, the target is 11,662.

Also has been an interesting week, because while researching hops and Mr. Klaber and Mr. Meeker (Hop Kings) mentioned it to my Mom and she says "My family brought hops to that area (Mr. Klabers area), you should check it out the last name was Black."
I thought to myself hmmm... I recognize that name and backtracked my research and sure enough found the little story of the Blacks. Printed it out and shared it with her and both my parents were just tickled by this and it led to all kinds of information about family, hops and me collecting interesting tidbits and stories of hops. Not really feeling up to explaining it all today but leaving with one quote I made up about myself this week.

Just saying...sometimes there is a method to my madness...and it relieves me to no end...to find the odd note to self to prove it...

 Also quite conveniently Black became the last name for the character in the book. Some pictures of Juliet Blacks house in Fauntleroy from Curador.

National Novel Writing Month

This morning writing early and inspired by NaNoWriMo. Uploading and dedicating myself to Curador for this event. 50,000 word goal. Started the morning at 9,800 and finishing the day at 10,545.

From the website itself to compete I had to complete:

Short synopsis:
The idea coming from eating as often as I can at my favorite restaurant Endloylne Joes and taking that helpless but needed walk after overeating a fabulous meal there, the walk leading you down to the private street that sets above the ferry and down this street is a house with a turret that looks over the sound. Inspiring me to think of witches, gardens and crazy Aunts.

Set in Fauntleroy (West Seattle) near the Puget Sound. Daniel a former professional boxer is sent by his Aunts to help around the rambling house that sets just about the shores of the Fauntleroy Ferry. He is suffering from a past that haunts him. Juliet is a healer and this house she lives in belongs to her family.

Novel excerpt:
The turret, bold and rounded stood as sentinel in the trees. He liked it, the eccentric architecture of it. We all need a turret in our lives he thought. He swung his keys in his hand making music with them as he twirled them to land in his palm and looked for a break in the wall to gain entrance to the house. Finally finding it, the break in the wall and taking the concrete steps that climbed steeply into the base of the house and a porch. Instead of going to the door right away he took a right and went into the gardens. At this end there was a green house, small but real, He hated the tacky plastic ones. He wound through the paths of the garden. It wove in and out in the shape of a Spirograph. Spirograph; he thought, man he had not thought of that toy in years he had played with it for hours when he was a kid. The memory made him smile.The yard seemed chaotic, but he could tell it was from talent and not from being unkempt. It had purpose, poise and wild beauty and it was the intent, he knew because of who she was related too.

Brought to you by

So this morning finds me back in the midst of a rewrite of what I fondly call Errant Breezes. According to yesterdays horoscope I have rebounded from a mess and into gestation. Gestation is that what it really said, please stand by.... checking.

Yes indeed; gestation.... see the proof below...

The celestial energy is signaling an agreeable change for you today, Shannon. Finally, the overpowering emotions from your relationships will subside. You are now beginning a phase of gestation, and may feel as if you were about to depart on a long trip, with all the time in the world to meditate on the events of the past few months...

Anyhoo, yes I'm feeling back to my usual happy self and have decided the best course of action is to run from fate every time she tosses shit my way. Much better than being a mess, and if things are meant to change then he will ponder and decide it for me. That is somewhat cryptic to those who are not inside my head but to me it's what I'm dwelling on and the answers I have found within myself. Avoid, run and wait for the outcome.

As I work on this rewrite; I'm continually shocked by what I do not recall writing. "Where the hell was I," comes to mind occasionally when I have read what I have written. Scratching my head in wonderment. When, what, where did this happen? But the creative juices are flowing and I'm riding it. Must be the gestation factor and what exactly is the written meaning of that word. Because I'm thinking it's reproduction...Hold on opening a new window to check it out.

Ah:

Definition of GESTATION

1

: the carrying of young in the uterus : pregnancy

2

: conception and development especially in the mind 

 

And okay we will take number 2 since number 1 would not be a pretty situation. But yes this is a good portent. Today is my Friday and I plan to take some downtime and write. Let the gestation begin, ha! 

Laughing.

Yesterday as sassy red head put it, I was a mess. Anyway life always looks simpler after a nights sleep. Then I read my horoscopes and had to laugh especially at the love one.

"Your partner may be feeling a little devilish. They want to see that look on your face when they ask you to commit, and realize that this is one of the worst things you could be forced to contemplate. But the truth is that others need loyalty to feel secure, even if your only response is to run to the nearest escape hatch." (the love horoscope)

"The little fighter that you are, Shannon, makes it highly difficult for you to join us in the great communal river that we are all trying to navigate. You prefer to travel solo, going down your little stream as you see fit. However, these are opportune days to try joining up with others. Some events may occur to remind you of the benefits of community"... (daily)

And as for compatibility... ain't this the truth

Can a fiery rebel and a practical Earth sign ever reach an understanding? They speak different languages: one held aloft by dreams while the other has his or her feet firmly on the ground. When they know how to reinforce the Ram's audacity with the Goat's constructive spirit, they can accomplish great things. Capricorn is slow to be tamed and won over, a process which Aries tends to interrupt early if he or she does not control his or her impulsiveness. However, if Capricorn's love is allowed to ripen, the other can luxuriate in it forever.

Fuck

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”
― Lemony Snicket

 
I like to write in the mornings, but sometimes at night my sleep is affected by the voices in my head, stories, scenarios, fantasies and what have you. I stayed the night outside of Ronald with a cat meowing at my door, sleep was elusive and scenarios would not shut off. I was thinking about somebody to damn much and must of conjured him. Because by some type of intervention, divine possibly.. he appeared in the flesh right before my eyes the following morning.

That is some wicked scary shit, when I thought he was in the back of beyond digging for platinum.

All those promises to self, went out the door as I turned to mush. Giddy and terrified like a three year old who has to sit on Santa's lap. He gave me the longest hug, I kissed his neck as I always do and inhaled that dirty dirty man into myself.

We talked and talked, had lunch together and hung out at his house. I did keep a few promises to myself; the ones about being more honest and revealing and he was receptive. He knows what I want, I know what he wants. But will we both be brave enough to do it finally, after dancing around it for so many years.

It's all about the step of living together; I have to make that commitment to him without a panic attack, without teasing him, and without running, but I need him to meet me half way and that is where we always come to an impasse. Are we finally arriving at the same place at the same time, as we arrive at the same place at the same time... is it coincidence or divine intervention. Maybe, it gets easier every single year and we have been pussy footing around this for years....coming up on year seven now. The attraction still so intense and visible. Perhaps.

Patience he has said time and time again.
My card pulled says; 'The waiting game.'

His kisses are the only ones that make me forget to think. He sits down suddenly close to me as I try to bribe him to open a bottle of $160 Macallan Whiskey. Suddenly I find myself naked with the door wide open, how he does this without me realizing I have no idea. He stood, shut the door and lifted me up, wrapped my legs around his waist and carried me to his bedroom and how can you not love a man that can melt you into a puddle in the middle of the day with the door wide open and is man enough to carry you through the house to... well you know. 

Why does it have to be him. Why is he always put in my path.
The man drives me nuts  and not always in a good way.

Fuck. Is the word that comes to mind this morning. Fuck, fuck, fuck.... every single time I see him I can't resist the chemistry, the attraction. Fuck! The word it encompasses the feelings he makes me feel and that I fight, year in and year out and keep running from but I'm drawn back and I keep wondering, why do we keep trying. I can't seem to live with him, but apparently can't live without him. And that was some of the truth I was thinking about the night I conjured him up. That maybe he is supposed to drive me nuts and keep me on my toes, god knows he is the one man I'm not able to walk all over. We are a ram and a goat butting heads. Aries and Capricorn.

What though is really the purpose of this. The one truth I do know is I love the shit out of this man.

A run for the money

The best part about being three is that your wardrobe and art is always special.

What is it about waking sometimes that you just feel sexy, homely, crabby or happy. Is it the dreams in the night or the position you wake up in? I moved to a new room earlier this week and I'm having a tough time falling asleep and then sleeping well after that. Last night was a step closer to bliss, I did not wake up in the middle of the night, but I did wake up with my neck in some position you would never walk around in the daylight hours holding. How does this happen?

I stretched and massaged as I came around to the morning and made a cup of tea, thought to myself 'man I'm going to have a headache and I already need a nap'.  Snap.... I thought, no I'm changing the course of this day and thought about some special moments yesterday that made me really happy and  they put a wicked smile on my face over and over and suddenly an hour later I have a changed attitude and feel happy, sexy even just starting my damn period.

FISH Philsophy rule number one is "Choose your attitude!"

Off to make some breakfast. Have a great day!

Miss Potter

Once upon a time my sister and I went to Scotland and stumbled on one of Beatrix Potters locations while making the drive down from the Highlands. We had splurged and stayed at Castle Stuart in a tower room for two nights, the castle located outside of Inverness and near Cawdor. The castle had a gated entrance and the code was the year of the battle of Culloden. The morning we left the castle was sunny and beautiful, the colors so vibrant and at odds with each other we had to pull over to the side of the road to take a picture to prove it to ourselves; the pine trees were green, the sky robins egg blue, the heather maroon and the grass yellow. A light dusting of snow covered the ground as we wound through valleys and mountains dotted with Castles. Coming out of the mountains we made a couple of stops, one at a wool shop and bought beautiful sweaters and the next at the church across the street from Balmoral. We were headed to Stirling.

Memories are fleeting of how we ended up at the town Beatrix vacationed in as a child and I could be wrong but we saw a sign for her garden and possibly it was not open so we went into town to shop. But perhaps it was on my sisters want to see list or in the guidebook. I have so many memories of that day they tend to bind together. We tend to do that quite a bit, denied a plan and improvise by exploring and shopping. After some research on my part without the help of my travel journals... but with the lovely help of the internet I think I have placed it. Dunkeld, Scotland. 

I watched 'Ms. Potter' recently starring Renee Zellweger and Ewan McGregor and she was a fascinating women. Ahead of her time in the business sense, creative and artistic. She lived with her parents and was happy being single. A true inspiration. This movie got me thinking about that trip. Our first overseas trip together. An earthquake at home the prior week 'Nisqually Quake of 2001' causing fear of delay. 

I bought the first of my mortar and pestle collection with thoughts of Miss Potter entangled with the purchase. The store we were shopping in I know had many Potter products but I cannot remember if the store was hers or not. It brings to mind how we remember some events very well and then also how we can change them in our minds so that there is a new truth and then someone who experienced it with you perceives it differently and the memories get tangled further.

"The Tale of Peter Rabbit was published by Frederick Warne & Co. in 1902 with an initial 8000 copies printed and the tale has never been out of print since. Beatrix went on to publish another 22 little books over the next 28 years, the proceeds from which enabled her to buy Hill Top Farm in the Lake District. Eventually she went on to own 15 farms and over 4,000 acres of land in the area. 
The popularity of Beatrix Potter's stories and characters has grown immeasurably since she published The Tale of Peter Rabbit over 100 years ago, aided by her own foresight and acute business sense. A woman ahead of her time, she saw the potential in her most famous character creating the first patented soft toy in 1903, making Peter Rabbit the oldest licensed character. Not only that, she left an astounding legacy of stories, characters, art and unspoiled landscape to the world."

My kids loved her books. I liked to read them with an accent and #61, I remember was fascinated by the spanking of Peter with the stick.

A little vacation

After training for two solid weeks and having around five schedule changes in the last month, I took a deep breath and submitted for some vacation time. I switched teams at work, joining a pilot team that is somewhat of an elite team and that was how I began October. The month of September and the beginning of October were filled with fun and games and now Q4 begins.

As I mentioned September was action packed beginning with dropping my parents off at the airport and they headed to China to watch potatoes and corn grow. The weekend came and I drove over to meet Mickey Blue Eyes and we headed to the technical school he is interested in and then I drove to my sisters and we went to dinner at Endolyne Joe's. Someday that will be a tax write off, because we took an after dinner walk so I could take photo's and study the neighborhood, research for a book that has been knocking around in my head for awhile, 'Curador' is how I have come to refer to it as. This evening we had some rare time alone with her youngest daughter while the older kids were boating. The following day was more of the same; we lounged on  a blanket covered grass slope above the pebbled shores of Lake Washington hanging with the baby, providing food and pit stops for the boaters. Summer was delayed this year and it was a rare hot and clear blue sky day in the heart of the Puget Sound. 

The next weekend I attended Zac Brown at the Gorge with friends. Driving the back way along the river to meet them at Vantage. What memories that drive provoked. Hanford, Midway, Desert Aire, Mattawa, Shawana and the dams. The locale of my early youth. Midway now gone, so gone that if you look nothing is there kind of gone. But on second glance there is a road and entrance. But the houses, trees and community gone without a trace. Eerie because I can remember napping in the house nearest the sub station, playing in the park and wishing to be riding the horses housed in the corral next to the steep slope of the river gorge and the only thing that remains is the subway station. The houses and trees completely gone, vanished like the land of never was.The Vernita Toll Bridge has been paid for and is now just a bridge. Desert Aire has grown and I don't recognize it so much and as I pass by Buck Owens Hill, was shocked at all the new housing in Mattawa. I kept driving and didn't stop till Vantage.

The first weekend of October brought lawn tickets to the Uproar festival. Me and the girls stopped in Cle Elum to pick up my boys and we made our way to the White River Amphitheater for the sounds of Seether, Three Days Grace and Avenged Sevenfold. Traffic after was a bitch.

I made a day trip and took #61's senior pictures, we had a date after to see Killer Elite. At first he was cranky about the photo's but loosened up on his favorite back road drive. Later in the day he revealed he had a Gears of War hangover.

Basically did not write much at all. But I saw some great bands this summer and had some good moments with my favorite boys in the entire world.


In the circle of life I'm ending the dry spell of the blog where I began at my sisters.

Oh and I almost forgot, got this years boots for the boot collection.

Uproar Prefunk

Zac Brown Pre-funk

My Chicka's

Truth and Trust

This morning a dream that I wake from is so entwined in the waking moments, I find myself speaking out loud as I get out of bed. They are thoughts about the new woman in my ex-husbands life. That I will not allow her or him to make me... not feel welcome in my children's new home and lives. Why did I wake thinking like this? Angry and worried...They are moving in together and my first thought last night when I was told this by my youngest son, "can't that man live alone at all." He finally got the last of the meth addict girlfriends out of his life and here we go again.
Is this jealousy? That is my first thought, but no it goes much deeper than that, after I spent some time writing and had many thoughts running through my head and with the dreams input I have come to the realization that I'm forced to go back to memories and deal with them to find the root of the problem.

Sometimes it takes me a while to get there, to work down to the root of the problem. So I have to break it down into levels and think about feelings.

Starting with, I'm rather happy he has a nice decent woman in his life. But the mistrust comes from all the others before her that were not decent. The most searing in my memory is the first one that moved in with him. We had by this time sold our last house we had bought together and been separated for over a year.

She invited me over one cold snowy morning prior to her moving in with him for a 'get to know you visit'. Invited me to a house, that later I found out she was squatting in and she started slowly questioning me about my life and interests, than launched into how, her and my husband (he still was at the time) had an intense attraction and love for each other that was like nothing they had seen before. She questioned me deeply about Jim. And at this point I was finally back in his good graces for a reason I would much rather not reflect on. These are things I'm remembering this morning and visiting back on. She used a lot of this conversation against me and twisted it for years.

And looking back now, from what I know now... the now is that at the time I had no earthly clue or idea about the meth addiction of either of them and the levels they would go to together to protect the addiction.

So I suppose their love was pretty intense in that lovely meth haze. Actually I know it was intense. I was stunned by this 'sudden' love, to say the least but buried it very quickly. From that moment on though; she stalked me, spied on me and generally made my life a living hell with her crazy ass meth suspicions. She broke into my house and stole from me and my children. She would stalk me with phone calls, texts. Hide in the forest to spy on me, this I know because she was caught. She sold drugs out of his house with my kids sleeping there. They had violent crazy fights with each other while the kids were there. He smacked her off the deck with a two-by-four because she was crazy and would not shut-up. Who were these crazy people? At the time I just did not want my kids living there, but she twisted it so that it was about me and her. She accused me of stalking and watching her. She made me, the one not on drugs think I was the crazy one. Sometimes I did not know what world was the right world and I had two people to calm me down and go to; Brenda and Jim... my safe places and the two people in the world I trust the most, even now.

One night after midnight as she was watching my house through binoculars the fire department showed up and I'm assuming she must have rushed back to bed or told my husband because he called shortly after making sure that the kids and I were okay because the fire department was there. We were in bed asleep when he called and had know idea what he was talking about and got out of bed to find the neighborhood lit up with flashing lights. The neighbors house was on fire apparently, but not bad just a chimney fire. The point is she was watching from across town, my house in the middle of the night and all the time.

I don't talk about this time period in my life very much, because I have done much healing and the ex-husband has been clean for three years now, so it is and was another life. It is all about getting to the root of the problem. After this incident there were others leading up to an intervention that she stalked and corrupted. She stalked his Mom, our kids and others. The woman was pure evil on meth.

But the fear still lingers apparently....the kids and I still live with this fear his living with another woman invokes and that is another root to the problem the kids are worried he is doing this to soon and again. And even five years or so later it still affects my dreams in an around about way.
She the first live-in girlfriend is also why I have a burning desire to not be out after midnight, let alone awake.

The root of the problem is that I don't trust him to always make the right decisions when his dick is involved in the process.

Actually the root of the problem is I don't trust anybody.

All my hard work on myself and life leads to this one true statement about myself. The fear of trust in a relationship, life, work all stems from this time period.  The having your life destroyed by a person who threw it all away for the greatest high of his life, time period. For years before the end of our marriage I thought it was me and my problems that made me want to end the marriage only to realize it was a drug that changed his smell, his personality and forced me out.

It was all a lie and the root of the problem is trust, truth and fear.

So I wake this morning with the thoughts on my lips; angry, worried and have to spend the morning deciphering why...

I put myself through all the motions to get to the emotions. No it is not jealousy of the new girlfriend per say, it is more anger at the worry and lack of trust for him to make the right choices for himself and his children. But then I take a deep breathe and let out a sigh to let the butterflies go. It's also a sadness that our marriage had to end the way it ended and there has perhaps not been enough discussions to heal it. But this I do know....

I don't want to know anymore truths about that time period... than what I already know. I'm sure there are truths that would curl my toenails. So it is closed for discussion with him. These years were the darkest most stressful years I have ever lived in my entire life and I don't like to visit them often. A quote from a former addict trying to help me understand how to deal with a meth addict. "A meth addict can rationalize any thought no matter how irrational it is". We are sitting in our truck together and he is irrational and suddenly screaming at me. Asking me why he can't have this woman in his life and I can have a 'man' like Jim in mine and my reply is telling..."Because he never fucking lies to me." I can still feel this moment and his crazy irrational rage like it was yesterday. I just try not to think about it, but from that point on the ex-husband stopped lying even on meth. 

Even the last couple of weekends has been leading up to this moment. Having conversations about my behavior and actions and his, with old friends, just keeps bringing the past up and I have had to talk about it much more than I normally do. Having a discussion with another friend who lived another night of the girlfriend stalking with me, we can laugh about it now but...

Also thinking about why I do the things I do and how I like the rules of Amazon and the level of trust and responsibility you have to provide in yourself to have and keep a job there. I like Amazon for these reasons. They weed out all the useless people that have the traits of meth addicts. I feel protected there, kind of like when Tammy would not allow the meth addicts into her bar, making it my bar and a safe haven for me. Marko's.

The dredging up of these feelings and trying also to get to the root of why I do/don't want to live in Roslyn and weighing it all with the input of loved ones. Should I conquer the fear of not wanting to live there or to just stay away because it's not my place any longer.

What is it exactly; a fear or just avoiding it. Or is right to go there to heal and have closure. My stomach becomes tied in knots when I think about living there again. Fighting the rage I can still feel about that woman, and how she now wants my forgiveness. She is very 'sorry' and all I can do it is grit my teeth with anger and resisting, wanting to literally beat the shit out of her for being such a sick person. I would not run into her at Amazon and that is probably a good thing.

But now that I have worked through all this I do realize it's all about the one word. Trust. Trust him because he has been clean for three years and loves his kids.

and trust yourself, I tell myself daily...and that intuition and time will eventually lead you to the answers.

A fresh new look

Logged in today to blog and there is a fresh new look to the blogging page. I like it.

Yesterday I drove up to the mountains to hang with #61 and take his senior pictures. A tradition of sorts that I was reminded of recently by my sister-in-law. We took the old road to Ellensburg one of #61's favorite drives. In the backseat was the old school camera and a couple of changes of shirts for him. As his crabbiness wore off and he enjoyed the drive he started picking locations for his photos. He was crabby due to lack of sleep I found out as the day progressed. We stopped and took different photo's with some great backdrops and I'm excited to see how they turned out.

Killer Elite

After the photo session, we finished the drive into Ellensburg and stopped at Baskin & Robbins for ice-cream. Then headed over to the movie theater to watch Killer Elite. The movie was surprisingly pretty good...and the conversation leading up to this review is as follows.

"It would be cool if that guy you like so much would do a normal movie," #61 says while smirking as we walk across the parking lot to the theater.

"This could be the one," I reply glancing over at him "it's a different kind of cast and such with Robert Deniro and Clive Owens, a better caliber of actors than normal."

The movie ended up being based on a true story and yes Jason Statham had some serious action moments but he played a normal kind of guy for the most part. We liked it, it was the thinking man's action movie and I loved the bits about Australia.

Prior to the movie starting was an ad for Gear 3 and this prompted #61 to admit to why he was dragging ass and attitude. The new release of this game described as the "best ever, so fucking cool, awesome and addicting," looking sheepish as he admits this and confessing to playing it till seven in the morning after leaving the high school football game the night before.

For the record....

Rapture... just saying.... 

1. The state of being transported by a lofty emotion; ecstasy.

2. An expression of ecstatic feeling. Often used in the plural.

3. The transporting of a person from one place to another, especially to heaven.

tr.v. rap·tured, rap·tur·ing, rap·tures

To enrapture.

Mickey Blue Eyes dropped in for a two night visit with his Mom. We went halves on a new windshield for his car and after dropping the car off to get the work done, spent the morning tootling through the countryside and stopping at the end of the drive to pick up the car to return home to nap before Monday Night Football.

However he waited to take his nap after Pizza at Rocco's and I had to wake him and drag him to MNF. His idea and request in the first place and it is a sad day when he is finally of age and his Mother has to drag him out of bed in the early evening to go the bar. We selected the Giants as our team and they were winning at the two minute warning.

Then half our table raced home for the season premiere of Two and a Half Men.

And right now I'm just putting it out there for the record that... Rose has kidnapped Charlie and is holding him hostage and after the network rides out the year making good on the promise to fire Sheen's ass they will have him come back after escaping. It has all been a publicity stunt and we have been enraptured by it all. Just saying...

Although Charlie could have won the lottery with the Jehovah Witnesses for the rapture since Rose threw him in front of a subway train and with his luck he might have gotten to heaven.  But knowing Charlie; he would be just like me and think the rapture, like the number one definition listed above,
is all about ecstasy.

Sit, sat, set.

Fresh home from a drive to return my baby. Three things have been on my mind all morning. A couple of conversations with friends, that keep running through my mind. Sit, sat, set. The second is the book I'm working on and the last something I read about this morning that I plan to change and use for myself. Since the final thought is short and sweet I will start and finish it here in this first paragraph. Here is my version of what I interpreted.

"Do what you want for yourself that makes you happy and the right man will find you there."

I keep looking for this certain man, that I met once and we have never found ourselves in the same place again. Missed chances and meetings. One decision decides the fate of the day. I have read a couple of books lately that bring this up and it made me think of him. I wonder if he looks for me. I looked for him yesterday in Roslyn.

But the thoughts of him and books and writing keeps being replaced by a conversation that keeps going around my head.
Sit, sat, set. Sitting, where are we sitting?
Pronunciation and irritation.

But we all are guilty with each person we meet. The use and pronunciation of words seems to be something we all correct each other with. Actually most of the time I don't say anything because it seems demeaning and then of course I'm also guilty of misuse myself so then it would be self righteous as well.... So when I'm teased; it makes me wonder why the other person seems to go on and on. Is it because they are jealous in some fashion, because after a while teasing is not an endearment or sign of affection or is it? And we can't all really be right with words all the time. It happens all the time though, on the news, between friends. So many words, so many ways to say them, so many different meanings.

Also at one point I mentioned that my next husband would have to be able to spell. So is this payback for at some point thinking and acting self righteous. Man its hard to be a decent person all the time.

It's hard to be politically correct, it's hard to be grammatically correct.

What is proper? What is the proper etiquette.

Earlier in the day, having had a conversation with my ex-husband and he kept saying words wrong or adds an (s's) to something that should not be plural.... I just let it go because I do not want to demean him and he is a smart guy just not well read, only to have it turn around later in the day for me at a friends house.

Perhaps we should all walk around with electronic dictionary's and pronunciation guides so as to not offend each other.

The other thing that is on my mind today is the line; "You would eat him alive." or "You would chew him up and spit him out." Again I was talking to my ex-husband yesterday about a woman we both know that actually has been through five husbands and I got to thinking about being told the above about myself and the difference between me and her. She swallows them whole, mentally, physically and financially but unlike a black widow or praying mantis she leaves them breathing when she spits them out.

In my case if they are not the right guy I don't want to do all the rest, I just spit them out before they leave a bad taste in my mouth, preferring to get rid of them early and avoiding ripping there hearts out. So does that make me a nice girl or a bad girl, kind or mean...........well you get the point.

Words are words are words.

Vivacious and Creative.

That is how I'm interpreted. What comes across from me in an interview. Not bad words all around. They did not offer me the job because of this, and this is not a bad thing.... They suggested that I might be more happy in a job within Amazon that allows me to write creatively. A job that is not stifling and boring. Encore. A group within Amazon that promotes books that did not make it the first time around. A fascinating suggestion to me.

I have spent some time thinking, as I do normally. But trying to focus on what I want in a job. Do I really want a job where I use all my creative abilities all day to have nothing left when I get home or do I want a job that I enjoy that leaves it available to me at the beginning or end of the day. I was faced suddenly again with a schedule change, faced with losing my mornings to write and having to work all day to not want to come home and write in the evenings.

So this morning it comes across my mind, do I really want a different job than the one I have now. I like it and do I want more responsibility? Because what I really want to do is write books and if I focus on moving up in the company I lose what I have gained. Time and desire to live my life the way I want. I'm happy and secure in the wage that I have now.

I think of Jill who sets next to me. She has moved all around Amazon and is back to the beginning because she is happy to just do what she is doing because there is not pressure in her life to do more than what she is doing and maybe that is not a bad thing I keep thinking. I can do what I do and have what I want just by staying where I am.

At this point in life I have to have a day job, but I know what I want to be doing in the future to support myself and to do this I need the time and desire to write to get there. The only other thing I want more is to be debt free and living in my own space.

They all combine together to get me there and it's working so why fuck with it?

I watched a movie last night called 'The Company Men' and while it was not fast paced, it had many lessons about our current recession and what is important. I went to bed and woke just ready to be and as I write this it all makes sense. It followed my life, losing a job and all it's trappings of "success" when all you really need is family and to work in a job that you are happy with. Living within your means. The job I have now, pays decently is easy and I can read, write, color and sew while doing it. Not a bad gig really.

The possibilites are endless

The possibilities are endless.

Woke and sat down to write with this title on my mind. 

Seahawks have a new QB. 

I have sold my truck. 

I'm still being considered for a job I really want and the pre-season is almost over!

The Orchard

I have been reading one of those rare books that hits all the right cords and you fall in love with it, want to own it, having it set on your book shelf kind of thing.
It's about scents, food and love all the best things in life.

I'm in Cle Elum tonight, and the pine bough surf flows around me as I lay in bed reading this book,  the scent of the night air wafts across and under my senses and there is a hint of smell so delicious and then it disappeared, melted away in the wind. And I thought what was that smell? Stirring slightly to catch and sniff looking for it again, but it was gone like a fleeting memory. I settled back down to read.

Then another breeze and a small whiff… could not remember it, or place it, but it smelled so good. I sit down the book and search for it in my memory, inhaling softly trying to smell it again.

Memories of the smell at other times in my life, trying to track it down in memories....another whiff this time stronger and steady. I inhale and realization slowly dawned on me…cherry wood burning. I love that scent. Wish I could post it here. The best description I can come up with is cherry ice cream melting with the undertones of flame. The smell and memories distract me and I glance out the window to see the last rays of the west coast long summer sunset hitting the strange formations of Peoh Point, a large rock that is grey in regular light, beams and shines in amber tonight. Peoh is snuggled between the foothills. A beacon and a landmark, that watches over the valley where Cle Elum rests. The freshest of breezes, the soft roar of the pine bough surf, bringing the cool breeze of fresh mountain pine air mixed with the undertones of cherry wood on a fire pit, chilling the skin. I read the book on my I phone till my eyes are tired and the desire to sleep and soak in the words I have read in my dreams is calling more than the desire to read.

It is breezy again this morning and the roar of the winds through the trees has already started. I visited friends and finished some errands in this series of towns that I love. Thinking about living here again and trying to find the answers in that. As always I read my horoscope first thing in the morning and as I sit here and write it trickles down to me and suddenly I understand its meaning. 

Your natural intuition and sensitivity will be heightened today. You are able to read the thoughts and feelings of others and can interpret them accurately. Alas, you can not use this skill as effectively on yourself. Some old issues have reemerged, causing you some distress. These issues are blocking you in some way. You will not be able to move forward with your life until you resolve them once and for all. Perhaps a professional psychic could help.

I cannot decide if this is where I want to be for myself or not, trying to let intuition guide me and I just don't know if it is right anymore. I drove past a sign the other day while taking my Mom to the doctor. A sign for a psychic and it caught my eye and I thought maybe I should drop in there for an update on my life and after reading this mornings horoscope and being in the area where there are so many memories good and bad and unable to settle on the next move. Visiting my storage with all my favorite things causing me to long for my house, or just long for my stuff in any house?

And it suddenly all hits me. Maybe I do need outside advice. I keep putting off moving back due to financial reasons but suddenly find myself so close to being financially ready and I just don't know.

I versus she

August seems to be a month full of changes. I have been very busy handling them all, or I could say she has been very busy handling them all. The I versus she is a tough call when writing and the first book I wrote is I based and I have been rewriting it as well as changing the perspective to she. It happens to be a very time consuming process and her surprise at the time involved makes her wish she could spend the day working on it as her job, getting paid to do what she really loves to do... write, right.

The other changes; my son #61 is living with me now and my parents are home. My hours and schedule have also changed and I now have my mornings free to write. Another: I sold my truck and no longer have a truck payment...big change in one pay checks finances. I have been working on the Dave Ramsey budget lifestyle for over two years and suddenly I'm halfway through the tunnel. Living and working to be debt free and at this point from my writing spot I'm looking at 3, just 3 debts left including my mortgage. It is a very 'freeing' feeling. Dave Ramsey The Total Money Makeover. Highly recommend it. A Cash only theory.

I interviewed for a new position today. A step into what I want to do, if you must work it's best to head in the direction of a job that will get you where you want to go. I applied for Knowledge Management Intern; copy-writing and editing the kc for cs and one of my toughest obstacles that I listed in the interview...acronyms. Fingers crossed on that job, she really wants it.

The number six physical card represents a peaceful, tranquil time when problems seem to actually disappear. A sudden bonus, pay raise or promotion could be in the offering. It could be expected or out of the blue. This card may also signify a group that has worked and strived toward the success of that common goal. A time of prosperity, balance and harmony in your physical and spiritual existence is showing you that the practice of giving and receiving will bring you true riches.

Hot summer nights

Days with heat; baking hot like an oven so that the sound of hot can be seen through the waves and motion of the air. Summer days in the desert, they have finally arrived. The last of my three day weekends began with a quiet Friday night. A pleasant Saturday visiting with my son and his Grammie among the mature trees lining the meandering portion of the Columbia that drifts along side Richland and Howard Amon Park.

It is boat race weekend.

Soundgarden is playing at the Gorge.

The tripod gathered on the Royal slope and were chauffered to the concert. We spent some time drilling and filling and catching up before heading out in the late afternoon sun. I enjoy the Gorge venue more than any other, to see a band live. The soundwaves echo off the canyon walls, mixing with the heat waves. Blankets are laid on grass levels that flow up from the concert floor gathering in a patchwork of colors and people. The people watching is fantastic. Nothing is more pleasant than listening to a rock concert of a band you love at a reasonable decibel and the feel of a hot summer night on your shoulders as you do it outside. Outside.

The temporary sounds of fast planes, rushing over the house like we live on an air base. Roaring of engines and races on the water.

The sounds and heat of the last weekend in July in the Columbia Basin.

Procrastinating

 
What is it about a load of free time that hinders your desires?

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-vTaktsUSw&ob=av2e

Time is mine to do what I want and I find myself avoiding doing the activity I long to have the most time for hands down all week long; writing...well honestly it is tied with sex but playing with Vitamin C again and he promised to take care of that as the mood arises, so those needs are being satisfied and that leaves writing.

Procrastinating, procrastination, procrastinate procrastinator....yep that's me. Right frigging now.

Stalling with the internet, dinner, bathing and drinking... painted my toes, smoked, trimmed my split ends, got up to dance. Made myself sit my ass down and write a blog, with the hopes of focusing. I started a new book; the idea has been rolling around in my head for awhile. Fauntleroy, a curador and a boxer with a fabulous house overlooking the Puget Sound. Got the basics down and then was ready to finish the first book set in Roslyn. Worked on that all week, in those rare moments of time when you are working a forty hour week in four days. But then the benefits of ten hour days, brings a three day weekend and the time and freedom descend upon me, to be overcome by procrastination.

'Carry out' fills the gloaming with it's beats and I hop up to dance.

No longer procrastinating, just distracted.

Perhaps it is the thoughts of night sex on the back porch. A dark hot summer night, two people in the lap of a padded deckchair. Distracting me further; with thoughts of skin touched softly by a tanned hand and a warm breeze tickling your shoulders, hair brushing an exposed back. A thrust that makes your neck go limp.

I'm in the mood to write.

Right after I smoke.

It's been awhile

I have been traveling for the last three weekends; visiting with family and attending functions, while it has provided me with stories and intriguing snippets, I have been remiss in blog writing.

So what to write...what to say?

Miss O is hanging with me right now. We are hanging in the basement bedroom together listening to the sounds of others while I write and she plays. Aunt Shanie is being bossy and tough not wanting each change of venue; in the toy of the moment to be left out or left to be picked up by someone else... or worst case scenario stepped on. She was frankly told if she did not play by my rules they would be removed to the garbage bin. At four she believes me, because I tossed them when she was three.

Last night we watched her dance schools production of Cinderella; Miss O and her class played the part of Summer Butterflies. The costumes were beautiful changing in every scene for the different classes and parts. Cinderella; instead of a glass slipper left behind a ballet shoe that was covered in rhinestones. The first act was long and filled with the smaller kids, who provided comical relief with their antics. Miss O was dead serious about standing on her mark and at times appeared to be on her own while the classmates hovered closer to their instructor. It took three women to manage little baby sister during the whole production.

Today we are taking the train into the city. I have had a rare Thursday and Friday off and enjoying the pleasure of my morning tea and nieces while trying to keep my feet warm writing. Taking a long weekend to come over and see Miss O's recital. She is thrilled to be the center of attention. Sometimes it is quite hard to compete with a new baby and she does it with the style and grace of a ballerina.