Truth and Trust

This morning a dream that I wake from is so entwined in the waking moments, I find myself speaking out loud as I get out of bed. They are thoughts about the new woman in my ex-husbands life. That I will not allow her or him to make me... not feel welcome in my children's new home and lives. Why did I wake thinking like this? Angry and worried...They are moving in together and my first thought last night when I was told this by my youngest son, "can't that man live alone at all." He finally got the last of the meth addict girlfriends out of his life and here we go again.
Is this jealousy? That is my first thought, but no it goes much deeper than that, after I spent some time writing and had many thoughts running through my head and with the dreams input I have come to the realization that I'm forced to go back to memories and deal with them to find the root of the problem.

Sometimes it takes me a while to get there, to work down to the root of the problem. So I have to break it down into levels and think about feelings.

Starting with, I'm rather happy he has a nice decent woman in his life. But the mistrust comes from all the others before her that were not decent. The most searing in my memory is the first one that moved in with him. We had by this time sold our last house we had bought together and been separated for over a year.

She invited me over one cold snowy morning prior to her moving in with him for a 'get to know you visit'. Invited me to a house, that later I found out she was squatting in and she started slowly questioning me about my life and interests, than launched into how, her and my husband (he still was at the time) had an intense attraction and love for each other that was like nothing they had seen before. She questioned me deeply about Jim. And at this point I was finally back in his good graces for a reason I would much rather not reflect on. These are things I'm remembering this morning and visiting back on. She used a lot of this conversation against me and twisted it for years.

And looking back now, from what I know now... the now is that at the time I had no earthly clue or idea about the meth addiction of either of them and the levels they would go to together to protect the addiction.

So I suppose their love was pretty intense in that lovely meth haze. Actually I know it was intense. I was stunned by this 'sudden' love, to say the least but buried it very quickly. From that moment on though; she stalked me, spied on me and generally made my life a living hell with her crazy ass meth suspicions. She broke into my house and stole from me and my children. She would stalk me with phone calls, texts. Hide in the forest to spy on me, this I know because she was caught. She sold drugs out of his house with my kids sleeping there. They had violent crazy fights with each other while the kids were there. He smacked her off the deck with a two-by-four because she was crazy and would not shut-up. Who were these crazy people? At the time I just did not want my kids living there, but she twisted it so that it was about me and her. She accused me of stalking and watching her. She made me, the one not on drugs think I was the crazy one. Sometimes I did not know what world was the right world and I had two people to calm me down and go to; Brenda and Jim... my safe places and the two people in the world I trust the most, even now.

One night after midnight as she was watching my house through binoculars the fire department showed up and I'm assuming she must have rushed back to bed or told my husband because he called shortly after making sure that the kids and I were okay because the fire department was there. We were in bed asleep when he called and had know idea what he was talking about and got out of bed to find the neighborhood lit up with flashing lights. The neighbors house was on fire apparently, but not bad just a chimney fire. The point is she was watching from across town, my house in the middle of the night and all the time.

I don't talk about this time period in my life very much, because I have done much healing and the ex-husband has been clean for three years now, so it is and was another life. It is all about getting to the root of the problem. After this incident there were others leading up to an intervention that she stalked and corrupted. She stalked his Mom, our kids and others. The woman was pure evil on meth.

But the fear still lingers apparently....the kids and I still live with this fear his living with another woman invokes and that is another root to the problem the kids are worried he is doing this to soon and again. And even five years or so later it still affects my dreams in an around about way.
She the first live-in girlfriend is also why I have a burning desire to not be out after midnight, let alone awake.

The root of the problem is that I don't trust him to always make the right decisions when his dick is involved in the process.

Actually the root of the problem is I don't trust anybody.

All my hard work on myself and life leads to this one true statement about myself. The fear of trust in a relationship, life, work all stems from this time period.  The having your life destroyed by a person who threw it all away for the greatest high of his life, time period. For years before the end of our marriage I thought it was me and my problems that made me want to end the marriage only to realize it was a drug that changed his smell, his personality and forced me out.

It was all a lie and the root of the problem is trust, truth and fear.

So I wake this morning with the thoughts on my lips; angry, worried and have to spend the morning deciphering why...

I put myself through all the motions to get to the emotions. No it is not jealousy of the new girlfriend per say, it is more anger at the worry and lack of trust for him to make the right choices for himself and his children. But then I take a deep breathe and let out a sigh to let the butterflies go. It's also a sadness that our marriage had to end the way it ended and there has perhaps not been enough discussions to heal it. But this I do know....

I don't want to know anymore truths about that time period... than what I already know. I'm sure there are truths that would curl my toenails. So it is closed for discussion with him. These years were the darkest most stressful years I have ever lived in my entire life and I don't like to visit them often. A quote from a former addict trying to help me understand how to deal with a meth addict. "A meth addict can rationalize any thought no matter how irrational it is". We are sitting in our truck together and he is irrational and suddenly screaming at me. Asking me why he can't have this woman in his life and I can have a 'man' like Jim in mine and my reply is telling..."Because he never fucking lies to me." I can still feel this moment and his crazy irrational rage like it was yesterday. I just try not to think about it, but from that point on the ex-husband stopped lying even on meth. 

Even the last couple of weekends has been leading up to this moment. Having conversations about my behavior and actions and his, with old friends, just keeps bringing the past up and I have had to talk about it much more than I normally do. Having a discussion with another friend who lived another night of the girlfriend stalking with me, we can laugh about it now but...

Also thinking about why I do the things I do and how I like the rules of Amazon and the level of trust and responsibility you have to provide in yourself to have and keep a job there. I like Amazon for these reasons. They weed out all the useless people that have the traits of meth addicts. I feel protected there, kind of like when Tammy would not allow the meth addicts into her bar, making it my bar and a safe haven for me. Marko's.

The dredging up of these feelings and trying also to get to the root of why I do/don't want to live in Roslyn and weighing it all with the input of loved ones. Should I conquer the fear of not wanting to live there or to just stay away because it's not my place any longer.

What is it exactly; a fear or just avoiding it. Or is right to go there to heal and have closure. My stomach becomes tied in knots when I think about living there again. Fighting the rage I can still feel about that woman, and how she now wants my forgiveness. She is very 'sorry' and all I can do it is grit my teeth with anger and resisting, wanting to literally beat the shit out of her for being such a sick person. I would not run into her at Amazon and that is probably a good thing.

But now that I have worked through all this I do realize it's all about the one word. Trust. Trust him because he has been clean for three years and loves his kids.

and trust yourself, I tell myself daily...and that intuition and time will eventually lead you to the answers.