Nanowrimo Countdown

I have been busy prepping for Nanowrimo the last two weeks. Today setting up the dinosaur laptop, since my beloved laptop emits an annoying click crossed with a hum that was not able to be fixed by the tech squad at Radio Shack. I cannot work like that, hell I can barely stand to check my emails and do my banking before the sound about sends me over the edge. And lately my edge is pretty dang short.

Work has been busy and annoying. Hoping that settles down in a week or too with the new hires coming on board. But also the edge shows its nasty side there as well. But I'm working on it daily, dulling that edge.

Tears of God aka Mil (Honey) is the book I have selected to work on this year. This book has been in my head over half my life. Brought back by watching the movie 'The Town' as mentioned in a long ago blog. Excited to dig into it.

I have also returned to doing lessons and writing with 'Calling in the One' not so much to call in the one, but to do some deep soul searching on why I do the things I do and how to write myself out of my very angry hole. However today, the anger and sad stuff  as well as the endless mood swings and feelings, I thought might just come in handy for the mood of the book.

Talked to Nick today and that is, as always very hard. Especially after running into him and talking to him twice yesterday and I'm worried about him. He had court today and was made an offer that he is considering taking. It surprised me that it was so severe. "5 years sober with rehabilitation classes." My first thought as he said this, was wow it could save and change his life and my second thought was I wish he would do it. Sobering effect, sober conversation.

Sabotage

The sounds of pool league, a seahawks game, fun and levity surround me. I sit at a table with my friends enjoying the night out in another town. Part of the solution to stay out of trouble.

My phone rings suddenly and I glance down at it. Stunned I pick it up and show it to Kelly. She is shocked as well to see Nick's name and face there, she says take it outside, far outside. I answer as I stand and head out the back door. So thrilled for this moment and yet taken aback. We talk about many things and then when finished I head back inside. But quite honestly he has sucked the fun out of my evening. I start to head home.

Ahead in my car lights as I round the corner of 5th street. I think I see two people walking close together. Are my eyes playing tricks on me? Nick and Sheila? As I get closer I only see Sheila. Struggling in a drunken lurch and stagger up the hill. It is comical as she glances back, her face set in her permanent unhappy scowl. I laugh and shake my head, wondering if I had imagined Nick there or if he abandoned her to hide in the trees.

I head to bed hoping to get some sleep, my sleep has been restless and filled with anxiety. As I lay their tossing and turning my phone rings. It is Nick again. I answer and we talk just like old times. I miss him so much sometimes I can barely breath. And every since he spent the night I have been filled with hope, anxiety and fear.
               Towards the end of the conversation I ask him, "so are you just roommates or are you sleeping together."
               He replies "I have to keep warm somehow." 

Beyond the heartbreak, suddenly is anger and a knowing so deep that he his playing and laying his cards out covering all his bases. Once a week or so he pops in to visit. This week there has been no visit and I have been laying low so not easy to see or find. Hence the phone? And suddenly I don't want to play this card game anymore. He is sabotaging my attempts at trying to get over him and I have been letting him. I spend another sleepless night filled with anxiety.

Waking or stirring in the morning filled with something I cannot identify. I write and I talk to myself for hours trying to figure it out. Finally Yvette gives me the answer I need. I text him, breaking all the rules yet again. But I want to say something about this sabotage and then let it be.

S:"You caught me off guard twice last night. Why are you calling me Nick?"

N:"Just to say hey."

S:"Either come home or stop messing with my emotions. It's not nice or fair when you know I love you."

I spend the day resting, watching movies and trying to heal and worrying about whether I really want him to come home anymore.

Sabotage

Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction.

Love is sabotage on the heart and mind.

Giving up the Ghost

Giving up the ghost.
Where does that line originate from?

Give up the ghost

1. to stop trying to do something because you know that you will not succeed. 

2. (humorous) if a machine gives up the ghost, it stops working.

The fireflies, too, which sparkled most vividly in the darkest places, now and then startled him, as one of uncommon brightness would stream across his path; and if, by chance, a huge blockhead of a beetle came winging his blundering flight against him, the poor varlet was ready to give up the ghost, with the idea that he was struck with a witch's token. The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow by Irving, Washington

I have resigned myself to give up the ghost. Nothing I seem to be doing is working. I remember having said that in the midst of the meth madness. This moment in time, which seems so much like that time. I have to do something different. So I'm giving up. Letting it go. Letting him go. Letting them all go. The good fight for him, for friendship is not working and it is causing stress and harm to swirl in a vicious cycle all around me.

Hunkering down for some writing, even more writing then I'm doing. Nanowrimo is just around the corner and I'm trying to empty my brain of my personal strife and focus on creating and pouring out a story of others. Just around fifteen days till the beginning of November and trying to find the thread of the new book. The thoughts of it confused by the turmoil in my life and wanting to write it all down as well. Get it out.

The next two weeks there is no Sunday Football to look forward to which will also be nice so that yes, I can back down and out of a situation that is focused on me. With my own guilt of instigation, the only way out is out. 

Moods..

I woke in the dark grey of an overcast morning, rain pelting the metal roof. Dreams and conversations so clear and disturbing that I was spitting angry. Tossing and turning in a light sleep till I realized they were not real conversations. Yet, as I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom, I glanced in the mirror and grimaced because the fire was still burning in my eyes.

As I made my way back to bed and crawled back into the warmth of the covers. I forced myself to recite the FISH philosophy. Be Present, Choose your attitude, Play and Make their day. Choose your attitude I told myself and worked out the anger at Nick from those dreams and conversations with him inside my head. 

I woke the other morning just knowing I had to change the feng shui of my bedroom. Ever had one of those moments? Where you awake and there is a burning rush of desire lighting your ass on fire to make a change?

Shortly there after I found myself stuck in my bedroom in the middle of chaos. It took most of the morning but I made the change, then I started cleaning out my closets. In my mind, I was making room and changes for a man to step into my life. Making my bedroom more man comfortable would also allow one in my life. My reasoning. What I have come to realize since I have done the switch of the position of the bed, is that how much more clear my head is. Dreams are also clearer. I have some sanity back. I feel in control.

The Season of my discontent

Reflecting deeply this morning and into the day. I made some snotty comments out loud in public about someone that I like but don't think is the right person for me. And then add in the reeling for the last two day for self destructing the relationship as I always do anyway and again...earlier in the week. I'm just a walking time bomb. I pulled a card and it said boredom and discontent. Discontent that is my middle name anymore.

I needed to identify the root causes of my self destruction. They are; Fear. Social pressure. Trust. Intuition. Anger.

I want to be a better person.
I want to have a relationship with someone I like on all levels.
I want to not cave in to social pressure about who is the right person for me.
I want to not self destruct my relationships.

Fear of falling. Terrified is what I said to Jim, when he asked me a question about the new man in my life. He said close your eyes. Kelly deciphered. "What he means is close your eyes and take a leap, just do it." So I did, I tried it wasn't what I was looking for and I knew it right away, after the first whiff of body odor actually. But I kept pushing myself to try and I never started feeling better about it. That is not trying to justify my recent actions but honestly in my gut I knew right after the first kiss it wasn't for me.

And I have been very hard on myself today. Pushed and pushed my thoughts to the limit. I broke it or whatever it was going to be off with Eric today. Sadly I felt nothing but relieved.