Sabotage

The sounds of pool league, a seahawks game, fun and levity surround me. I sit at a table with my friends enjoying the night out in another town. Part of the solution to stay out of trouble.

My phone rings suddenly and I glance down at it. Stunned I pick it up and show it to Kelly. She is shocked as well to see Nick's name and face there, she says take it outside, far outside. I answer as I stand and head out the back door. So thrilled for this moment and yet taken aback. We talk about many things and then when finished I head back inside. But quite honestly he has sucked the fun out of my evening. I start to head home.

Ahead in my car lights as I round the corner of 5th street. I think I see two people walking close together. Are my eyes playing tricks on me? Nick and Sheila? As I get closer I only see Sheila. Struggling in a drunken lurch and stagger up the hill. It is comical as she glances back, her face set in her permanent unhappy scowl. I laugh and shake my head, wondering if I had imagined Nick there or if he abandoned her to hide in the trees.

I head to bed hoping to get some sleep, my sleep has been restless and filled with anxiety. As I lay their tossing and turning my phone rings. It is Nick again. I answer and we talk just like old times. I miss him so much sometimes I can barely breath. And every since he spent the night I have been filled with hope, anxiety and fear.
               Towards the end of the conversation I ask him, "so are you just roommates or are you sleeping together."
               He replies "I have to keep warm somehow." 

Beyond the heartbreak, suddenly is anger and a knowing so deep that he his playing and laying his cards out covering all his bases. Once a week or so he pops in to visit. This week there has been no visit and I have been laying low so not easy to see or find. Hence the phone? And suddenly I don't want to play this card game anymore. He is sabotaging my attempts at trying to get over him and I have been letting him. I spend another sleepless night filled with anxiety.

Waking or stirring in the morning filled with something I cannot identify. I write and I talk to myself for hours trying to figure it out. Finally Yvette gives me the answer I need. I text him, breaking all the rules yet again. But I want to say something about this sabotage and then let it be.

S:"You caught me off guard twice last night. Why are you calling me Nick?"

N:"Just to say hey."

S:"Either come home or stop messing with my emotions. It's not nice or fair when you know I love you."

I spend the day resting, watching movies and trying to heal and worrying about whether I really want him to come home anymore.

Sabotage

Sabotage is a deliberate action aimed at weakening another entity through subversion, obstruction, disruption, or destruction.

Love is sabotage on the heart and mind.