Yesterday I pulled the car out of the garage and headed to the mountains. Listening to music and thoughts. Thoughts of avoiding any temptation and steering around fate. I picked up #61 from school and we went to his new house and it is very nice, cozy. I like that this new woman in the Father of my children's life is normal and cozy, I met her finally on the last visit and liked her instantly. The house is a happy place and all the men are happy. Mickey Blue Eyes showed up and we had a nice visit, then #61 and I packed up the car and headed East away from it all.
We stopped at the store and bought fixings for Clam Chowder and also any other cravings we might have that the house is out of due to no one eating too much of the fun stuff. Brownies, ice-cream, chips. I made dinner and #61 caught up on his games and downloads and then we watched the movie Invictus.
This morning finds me writing on Curador, frantically with ideas and keeping up with the days requirement, yet I'm consumed with thoughts of my life and the man that I love and can't seem to have. This morning, my day is consumed by him and suddenly I had an Epiphany, once in a while that happens if I take the thoughts down, so far down I'm at the bones of the thoughts.
Commitment. I'm terrified of commitment because I want it to be the right man and I think that he is. But the fear comes from the opposite direction,wanting commitment so badly with everything it entails. That I run from it, because it needs to be the right person. I like marriage, commitment and loyalty. So the epiphany is that I'm not running from it I have decided, I'm running to it. I'm waiting for the right person to commit too.
In my dreams this year it has shown me so much of him, for a change in them. He is turning forty this year in just a month in fact and will that be the moment? Our turning point finally. The dreams of never being in the same room at the same time and then the other where he grew up because of turning forty. But it's not so much him growing up as both of us maturing into who we need to be for each other.
On the complete opposite of the axis with being ready is the behavior in the first paragraph where I avoid him and fate at all costs. So that if it is never going to be the right time, I can still be okay with that. Avoiding being a mess after touchdown per say, a defense mechanism.
This morning #61 and I made roll-ups our visit ends tomorrow and we settled back into being together well and happily. My dreams have been waking me suddenly in the night. They are not always what I want them to be and I'm fighting them but the worries in the pit of my stomach are prevalent and have to be handled.... but why at 4 am and 2 am concurrently?
Ah, can you hear the sigh, it is my weekend. I have this day for myself to catch up on writing and just being. Then tomorrow off to the mountains like at the beginning of this post to take care of appointment with #61. It has been snowing in locations all over the State, the holidays are just around the corner and the Kindle Fire was released early.
This mornings horoscope.
Tap into the electrifying energy of the day, Shannon, which encourages social interactions and activities that include partners. You will find that there is a great deal of oxygen to keep your internal fire raging quite hot. Take the lead and others will follow you willingly. Chords may be struck within you today that will resonate with large plans that you have been secretly brewing in the back of your mind for quite some time now.
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