Fuck

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”
― Lemony Snicket

 
I like to write in the mornings, but sometimes at night my sleep is affected by the voices in my head, stories, scenarios, fantasies and what have you. I stayed the night outside of Ronald with a cat meowing at my door, sleep was elusive and scenarios would not shut off. I was thinking about somebody to damn much and must of conjured him. Because by some type of intervention, divine possibly.. he appeared in the flesh right before my eyes the following morning.

That is some wicked scary shit, when I thought he was in the back of beyond digging for platinum.

All those promises to self, went out the door as I turned to mush. Giddy and terrified like a three year old who has to sit on Santa's lap. He gave me the longest hug, I kissed his neck as I always do and inhaled that dirty dirty man into myself.

We talked and talked, had lunch together and hung out at his house. I did keep a few promises to myself; the ones about being more honest and revealing and he was receptive. He knows what I want, I know what he wants. But will we both be brave enough to do it finally, after dancing around it for so many years.

It's all about the step of living together; I have to make that commitment to him without a panic attack, without teasing him, and without running, but I need him to meet me half way and that is where we always come to an impasse. Are we finally arriving at the same place at the same time, as we arrive at the same place at the same time... is it coincidence or divine intervention. Maybe, it gets easier every single year and we have been pussy footing around this for years....coming up on year seven now. The attraction still so intense and visible. Perhaps.

Patience he has said time and time again.
My card pulled says; 'The waiting game.'

His kisses are the only ones that make me forget to think. He sits down suddenly close to me as I try to bribe him to open a bottle of $160 Macallan Whiskey. Suddenly I find myself naked with the door wide open, how he does this without me realizing I have no idea. He stood, shut the door and lifted me up, wrapped my legs around his waist and carried me to his bedroom and how can you not love a man that can melt you into a puddle in the middle of the day with the door wide open and is man enough to carry you through the house to... well you know. 

Why does it have to be him. Why is he always put in my path.
The man drives me nuts  and not always in a good way.

Fuck. Is the word that comes to mind this morning. Fuck, fuck, fuck.... every single time I see him I can't resist the chemistry, the attraction. Fuck! The word it encompasses the feelings he makes me feel and that I fight, year in and year out and keep running from but I'm drawn back and I keep wondering, why do we keep trying. I can't seem to live with him, but apparently can't live without him. And that was some of the truth I was thinking about the night I conjured him up. That maybe he is supposed to drive me nuts and keep me on my toes, god knows he is the one man I'm not able to walk all over. We are a ram and a goat butting heads. Aries and Capricorn.

What though is really the purpose of this. The one truth I do know is I love the shit out of this man.