From this vantage

45

This past week I turned Forty-six.

I have given up fighting; wanting to lie about my age or feeling bad about it, or at least I'm trying too. I think I look pretty damn good. I fight the good fight; I work out and use moisturizer, dye my hair for those grays. But I got a phone call yesterday that in one breath was the ending and yet a beginning.

I'm post menopausal. No more eggs dropping. No more periods. I cannot get pregnant. No more worries about birth control. I'm elated. I feel free. No more cramps. No more emotional highs and lows. I feel a sense of wonder come over me and it feels me up for quite some time.

I text my sister first. She is the first person I think of telling. She is younger than me and has been fighting early menopause for years and me I'm just kicking along with regularity until last year. She and others keep asking me if I'm having hot flashes. When I pause to think about it... They tell me "If you have to think about it you aren't." So after a pregnancy scare late last year and then no period since then. I thought it was time to head to the gynecologist. The gynecologist says that the blood tests will tell me if I'm Peri-menopausal. So to have them come back and say I'm post was a bit of a shocker.

Me: Got Blood tests back I'm post menopausal.. Cannot get pregnant and done with periods! Kind of excited! Lol. 

Sister: Well that is good. So what does Nick say about that?

Me: Just found out. I'll let you know. But the other day he made a comment about my age and I said...I'm pretty hot like jlo and the same age... and her boyfriend is 28 I may trade you n for a younger guy. Derek laughed his ass off and said yep all my friends want her bad.

Sister: Funny! It'll be good to keep him on his toes!

Nick was the second person I told. I must admit I was kind of worried about it. It is a game changer between us. I cannot have children any longer. He is young and sometimes wants them and so now yes, I'm worried. He blushed, but was kind of relieved. We were both embarrassed about the whole conversation. Then he was sweet trying to comfort me, when I gave in a bit to my fear and said it out loud. "It makes me feel old."

But here is the thing.. I feel damn good. For the most part (aches and pains here and there) but  emotionally, I have not felt so all around happy in years. And lying there with my feet up in the stirrups last week, the doctor says it all looks good and healthy. My blood tests all come back great. I feel great. I have a sex drive. I'm laughing and happy all the time. My boyfriend likes me and he is twelve years younger and cute as fuck. 

So this may say I'm getting older but if this is menopause. I kind of like it. It's like being set free. Free from all the bullshit of youth.