How could you not know.

This line is often used in situations most people do not want to find themselves in. A friend, policeman or loved one might ask this. "How could you not know?" That your husband has been raping and killing woman. How could you not know your son was on heroin? How could you not know your wife was cheating on you? How could you not know your husband was molesting your daughters?"

All questions we ask of others. All questions we ask of ourselves.

I was watching 'Broadchurch' on Netflix recently and it brought this same question up in the last show. How could the mother not know her husband was raping her daughter, the policewoman asked a woman that was being questioned about a recent crime this same question about the crimes in her past.

The woman just looked at her unable to answer.

At the end of the show the policewoman herself is blindsided by the fact her own husband has killed a neighbor child (the recent crime mentioned above). The child's Mother a close friend said to the policewoman as they meet after her husband has been arrested "How could you not know."

Chills ran down my arms as I heard that line again. I may have mentioned it or said it in my own life. It has been said to me. In that moment on the show she got it, I got it, maybe the world got it. 

The fact is maybe you just don't know sometimes and it's not for lack of love or inattention. We have jobs that we commute to and are away from the house and you are trusting someone you love to be the same in kind.

"A man just wants a woman to love him. 
A woman just wants a man to not kill her."

'The Fall: Netlix'

Gauche

Driving early the Pepto-Bismol sunrise lightens the dawn sky, but my mood is heavy as is my heart. The opposite of love is indifference. Yet again this song, these words play for an arrival and a departure.

We smell of alcohol and diesel. The odor makes me ache with longing for him, for me.

We had dinner in the woods with friends Mexican themed; Polla a la Crema, sautéed beef, peppers, beans and corn tortillas. Beer coated all sides of the meal and dessert was tequila, whiskey and bourbon.

We sleep apart now. Even here. Sometimes I forget and reach out to touch him. My misplaced hand reaches out and then slowly retracts  in remembrance.

The weakest hour has passed in a long dark night. The alcohol made me angry, weak and yet hopeful. Which when added and mixed together comes out to be the equivalent of feeble. He is indifferent and I’m discomfited and filled with cold regret.

The odor of skunk lingers as we drive through town heading home to more separate beds with the sunrise at our backs.

Fuzed Glass Pieces!

Broken

I woke in the morning dreaming of Marshawn Lynch singing to me. The beat and words of that irritating song "It's all about the bass no treble" stuck in my head. But Marshawn was singing it as "It's all about that action boss, no trouble."

The day progressed and Shannon and Mario arrived at the house with goodies and a bigger television. Then in the last two minutes of the game our hopes are so high being at the one yard line area and ready to hopefully have a touchdown. I stand at the stove and say "hand it to Marshawn, hand it to Marshawn" and instead it is thrown and intercepted.

Stunned deathly quiet we all sit heartbroken for a long time.

It's been that kind of a week, month, year.

I was full of hope by taking the man back in my life we would have a second chance. But other than friendship he has no interest. I'm quiet and think of myself as stoic but he calls it passive aggressive. I look up the true meaning of what that means. Yeah maybe I'm passive aggressive and it reminds me of the scene I wrote in Curador where the words come down to simple things; angry, sad, happy, mad, guilty. I just have to work through things till I find what is the cause and I clam up till I figure it out.

I'm sad, hurt and angry I have wasted my time with a man that does not find me attractive nor does he love me. If I'm passive aggressive in his mind, in my mind he is incapable of deep affection and moves through life using people so that he does not have to live life. What does that make him?

Broken.