Still

Still.

Yet another no from a new position at Amazon and have been reflecting on how I do or don't play the game well. I don't buy into all the self promotion and strange ways of doing it or I'm not good at it. But is it because I don't really want it, because it my heart of hearts I want something else. It is a means that justifies the ends, really I just want a day job that pays the bills is fun and challenging but I want to write in the end so are the other dreams blocking the means? I don't know I'm trying to figure it out.

I just know I'm having a hard time getting to go where I want to go. Tried thinking outside the box and even that is eluding me today with fear and budget nightmares.

The seven week project had me focusing on all the things I want in my life so another setback has me wondering what is the deal? What is hindering me, besides not wanting to self pontificate. It is the bible study class theory... What I think it means, always means something else and when I try to play by the rules, it comes across as not the right attitude or skill and I'm just confused and not sure what the 'correct' answer is and not sure I really fucking care because it is stupid. Because the important shit is to live your life with integrity, work hard and be responsible. I'm all that and those rules should be the ones that count.

So this probably is not making sense what I'm trying to get at... and maybe that is the problem. Let me try again. Leadership skill: Vocally Self Critical. This is a no win situation and answer and I just cannot seem to answer it in a way that works. If you are honest about it, it looks bad. But if you are not honest about it how can you...Leadership skill: Earn Trust of Others or Leadership skill: Have backbone; Disagree and Commit. 

Maybe that is some of the answer... I think it's fucking stupid. Because if you are honest about things that you work on in yourself, you are being honest and can earn the trust of others and that shows backbone and leadership because you can be honest and show integrity. So maybe in my next interview I will get mad and even. I'm going to say I disagree in the asking of this question and that it's a no win situation. While one of my self critical opinions of myself is that I take on too many projects. I finish them in a timely manner and work better under stress and if you don't like that answer, or perceive the answer differently then what I just said...it's because the question was beneath me in the first place because I'm a mature, responsible adult; work hard and pay my bills in a timely manner. Now does that answer the question in a STAR manner?

Nope because I need to add in an example.

Example: Yesterday I got to work on time, Amazon broke in a 100 different ways and I found the time to answer the phone, restart my computer two times to get it to work so that I could help the customers, get the answers I needed for the customers because everything broke, finished my FISH project and attended two meetings while getting my job done and stressing that I had two many projects going and I would not finish them. So I delegated the FISH project back to the FISH team to finish after getting the basic design done for them and then handled all my other projects and completed them ALL in a timely fucking manner.

So now I'm mad and maybe being mad about it gives me the answer to how to play the mother fucking game. RIGHT.

Probably not but will see at the next interview because I'm pissed now. Going to show some backbone.