Coming around the bend...

Back to life. Back to reality. Back to the hear and now.

The long weekend is over. Suddenly life is rushing like the melting snows of Mount Baldy. Mount Baldy will be blowing spring breezes through my hair in a matter of days, now no longer years.

Life and it's circle is coming around to complete the circle. My renters move out next weekend and my house is mine again. I have ordered new wooden floors and interviewed for a job unexpectedly last Wednesday night that will allow me to work from home as a CSA for the new AIV team at the VCC.

I ask you? Why wouldn't they want my expertise? In fact I know they want it.

I also finished my 7 week project and wow I'm a better person for it. All my choices leading to this moment and year. So ready and eager to see what life will keep bringing my way.

Time away

Fauntleroy Rock at Cove Park

Heading west across the state to celebrate my birthday with loved ones and spending some time to research a few more places and things for the book.

West Seattle Tea Time

The sisters

Fauntleroy Ferry

Beachcombing

Guard dogs of Cove Park

Research Curador

Makes me want to paint

Sand in my shoes

Piggy back ride

Fauntleroy Creek and the ferry dock

Weekends, kinda...

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Today I'm enjoying a Saturday. A real Saturday. As my Sunday but still good to be on the same page as the others in my life. My Mom and I have plans for an Irish Dinner and my peeps and I will be going out for the holiday and to celebrate my birthday.

Horoscope for the day:

You are apt to be feeling emotionally quite brave today, Shannon, so feel free to take advantage of this feeling by extending it to the people around you. Try not to get anxious or jump ahead of yourself. Enjoy where you are at this very moment, and don't get stressed about things you feel you need to do. Be happy with yourself regardless of what you end up getting accomplished. 

Also almost finished with week 6 of the project and today's lesson is about listening without an agenda. How tough is that? To focus on a conversation and not have an agenda about yourself going on the whole time you are listening. Very tough. When I'm listening, I do a number of different things without thinking about it. I'm studying face, eyes and features. Then my thoughts and ideas crowd my mind and I want a turn to talk, or want to have a good comeback or solution.

The lesson today was to notice when you are doing that, swallow it and focus on listening instead.

Also a milestone was reached...70K on Curador!

Best hair!

I have a shitload of gray hair. It makes me feel old. My birthday is right around the corner and I swear every night I age 4 years. How is it possible? How is it possible to be suddenly middle age and aging when you still act and think like you are 25 years old or less?

#61 called this morning and he is 18 now and in his senior year. He called to say he had been nominated for "Best Hair." Which is so cool for him, since he has this cap of hair a lovely burned red, that has in his mind haunted him his entire life.

Why

 "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned," 
   William Congreve

One of my friends is attempting a relationship. I'm watching with humor as I mentally prepare myself to do the same. Why do I find humor in this? I don't know. Maybe it's not humor because I'm not laughing in amusement.... but stunned bemusement might fit, because it has happened to all of us women at some point. But it's more of a morbid fascination with how it is proceeding and how he has been fucking up lately. And we sit by on the sidelines saying 'what happened'?

Us women tend to over decipher everything, so we are told... and there is that famous line just sitting out there for us to look at, stare at and cock our heads at in taunted bemusement.
"Men are simple creatures."

Or there is that other one; "if a guy likes you he will make an effort." Or hey that other one... don't over think men because all they really care about are three things. "Boobs, beer and sports."

Men say they are blindsided by our fury, that comes out of nowhere. But a man builds it to the fury level and we try to not over think shit (we think less because we have progressed as women in our forties) but if they are so damn simple why does this stuff happen (will explain below) when they know they could get some.. in a nice hotel somewhere halfway between their lives, maybe have a beer from the corner store or over dinner. His three needs are being met...boobs, beer and sport. So why didn't he call to get it, when he has been calling and making an effort the last two months.

So this is the scenario. They met in early January and started with conversation that has progressed to dating and making time to see each other. They have now spent weekends together and had long talks on the phone. This week they tentatively set up a meet half-way meeting date and then he does not call to confirm or deny. Then he does not take her call to confirm or deny and no word for over twenty-four hours. Then he calls after the fact and acts like nothing happened, so she takes the call and makes plans to call him back because she is busy when he does finally call. Then his phone goes straight to voice mail and still three days later she is clueless to what has happened and why and the fury is building. And he acts like nothing happened. 

What has happened here? Was it miscommunication? A date with another women? Death? Dismemberment? What!

Why do men do that?

Sassy

    

         The other day I was out and about the countryside, delivering potatoes and visiting with the sassy red head. I was telling her about the seven week project and at first she scoffed and I said.
         "No, no listen it is making me work on some things I need to work on. Really there are some things I can work on. There are reasons I do the things that I do."
        She looked at me real hard for a minute with her sky blue eyes and then said "Okay, let me hear it." So I explained some of the lessons and she nodded her head and said, "while all those things are good, don't let it change you to much, because I like some of the things you do, it is who you are and I like you for those reasons."

***

        I had to agree, while I'm changing some of the way I think and look at behaviors that I have that are not always good things. The essence of me is that I'm a good person; yet a tad bit wild and passionate, creative too. I can't change those things and I don't want too. But it has opened my eyes to be more open to a relationship, to receive love and let down walls. My cards drawn by me, other people like the tarot reader or former lovers tell me that they can see the change of life coming for me and I know they don't mean menopause, they mean this big thing is going to happen. This year I can feel it closer than ever before. I don't know what it is but I can feel it coming. I know that it involves a man, this I do know but also just a taste of something I can't quite put my finger on..freedom, love, knowing my way?

***

       Today is my last Wednesday and Thursday off,  I start my new schedule this weekend. I'm sitting in the living room motivating myself to write and starting here at my blog and it is a nice Spring like day. I'm incredibly sore in all the right places because I had some seriously righteous sex yesterday. I dressed in a little black dress and heels and God how I love sex. And woke up this morning thinking the sassy red head would be proud because I did what I needed to do for myself. I can't change the desire and the need for a good man to spend the morning with. I swear nothing is better than walking into work with that kind of morning, written into the smile on your face.

***

        It's just who I 'am. Naughty but nice. Sassy but sweet and just love men. This one I have to leave behind and I wanted the parting to be incredible and it was. But I reserve the right as myself to squeeze in another round if I'm so inclined.

***

Integrity

Lesson 26 Establishing Personal Integrity.
Katherine Woodward Thomas.

This is by far one of my favorite lessons in the project. Definitely in the top two, the other being the collage. But this one was very meaningful and really hit home and one of the two so far that I have chosen to share in my blog. The type of integrity she is referring to is not moral dictates, but about are own subjective standards and to what degree you are able to live them. I think sometimes you have to live into them. It's about relative truths to your self and being true to them. This is the condensed version of the lesson. The things that really stood out to me.

"Integrity is doing the right thing, even when you know that no one will ever find out."

Oprah Winfrey

Don't lie to yourself about your capacity to separate your heart from your sexual activities. Don't hold onto fantasies that someone "will grow up and become the man you need". When we lie to ourselves we sever ourselves from the source of our power-our own inner truth. You cannot make someone love you, but you can always offer love. Own love as your own ethic, not as something to get but to give.

Tell your truth... Make a personal inventory to right your wrongs, tell your truth and bring closure to that which is no longer appropriate. The most basic measure of integrity has to do with keeping one's word. When we say things that we don't really mean, or consistently break our word to both ourselves and others, we profoundly diminish our capacity to create the lives that we are hoping to create. We want to form relationships that build upon our strengths and enhance our assets. We want unions formed upon strong foundations of respect and reliability that can withstand the true challenges of life that may come our way.

"Personal integrity is one of the most important guardians of mental health. Put simply, integrity is the absence of contradiction between what we know, what we profess and what we do." 

Nathaniel Branden.

Yeah, I really liked this lesson. Remember to take personal inventory on a regular basis. Some questions of yourself that will help from the book itself. 

Who do I need to contact regarding money that I owe?
Who do I need to forgive?
Who do I need to apologize to?
Who do I need to thank?
What lies have I been telling myself?
What excuses have I been making?