Pieces

'Thinking spot'

The sound of pressure, water pressure echoes through my house while I write. I'm watering the garden we planted together as I force myself to take a timed thirty minutes to write. My Eire cup is filled with almond tea and the summer sun lights the front porch in odd angles. I woke early after a late night out and today is already a tough day emotionally and tears are being squeezed back forcibly.

Yesterday he was a douchebag. Today I can only remember the good sweet moments and that is what I miss the most, those sweet moments. His face when freshly shaven and he looks so sweet, his quick grin and happiness in his eyes. Cooking and dancing together. The times I would come out on the porch and find him sitting in his thinking spot smoking and having a beer.

Woman own every feeling in a break-up and I'm on it. I write all the time. I cry when I need to.
Men are so different and baffling. Nick was moved into another woman's house in about four hours or less. But is so spitting angry with me, he will not speak with me.

What I don't miss is the stress I was constantly under. I don't miss when he was mean and unreasonable. I don't miss the stalking of Sheila. So I try to focus on those moments. But once in awhile a day sneaks in on me and I have to own the good sweet times too.

This week I finally understand and get what Jim always meant by "You love me, but you are not in love with me." At a barbeque last Saturday we had a talk and shot of tequila by the side of his truck and he said it again to me. "You love Nick, but you are not in love with Nick." I shook my head, and replied "I can never understand that comment, I just don't get the difference." He tried to explain it again. So for a couple of days I mulled on it and then asked his girlfriend Kelly over cocktails to explain it again.

"In love is when you want to be with that person no matter what happens. You don't want to lose them or ever have them go away. You want to be with them all the time."

I finally get it and of course Jim is right and maybe that is where I have fucked up. I was always walking out, away or removing Nick from my life. So now I ask myself do I want to be in love with him?

'Pieces'. Today I woke with that one word on my mind and right now I cannot give away pieces of myself. 'Pieces of my heart, pieces of my soul.' The words from Gary Allen's new song cross my mind with the thought of the word pieces.I know what I mean, when I say it but trying to explain it is difficult.

Nick said recently he would be worried about me if he left, and he explained why and so this morning I have my answer for him. When I'm grieving after a break-up there is no way I can share pieces of myself with another man. That is the difference between us... men and women. I turn something off during this time and shut it down.

And today being such a bad day I cannot decide if I it's him I miss or just the thought of him  the piece of sweetness that I miss so much.

'Pieces'

I’ve been broken, torn and scattered
I’ve loved holy, I’ve loved sin
I was rolling on the wind
It didn’t matter

I was so sure of who I didn’t want to be
Every smile and every fear
Every laugh and every tear
It was all mine, it was all me

Chorus:
Pieces of my heart
Pieces of my soul
Pieces that I’m gonna be
I don’t even know
I gave a lot to lovers
Gave a lot to friends
Everything I took from them
Made me who I am
Pieces

We’ve all been lied to
We’ve all been liars
Nothing’s perfect in this world
Everybody’s been burned by the fire
Guess I’m learning
That what breaks you, makes you grow
But I’m not hiding where I’ve been
Gonna let the light shine in
What I don’t need
Gonna let that, let that, let that go

Chorus:
Pieces of my heart
Pieces of my soul
Pieces that I’m gonna be
I don’t even know
I gave a lot to lovers
Gave a lot to friends
Everything I took from them
Made me who I am
Pieces

Pieces, the good and the bad
Pieces, the happy and sad
Pieces, the wrong and the right
Pieces, that’s my, that’s my, that’s my life

Chorus:
Pieces of my heart
Pieces of my soul
Pieces that I’m gonna be
I don’t even know
I gave a lot to lovers
Gave a lot to friends
Everything I took from them
Made me who I am
Pieces

Pieces, pieces