Raw

Today is a good day considering the amount of turmoil that can happen in a matter of days in ones life. Not sure I'm going to talk about it much in a blog format but in some form the feelings have to come out.

So I will be cryptic and those that know me can read between the lines.

Captain Phil Harris's son Jake Harris of The Deadliest Catch was at Sundown last week. I'm not sure that this is common knowledge but I do have an inside informant. Jake Harris only lasted two days, which is too bad. My inside informant seems to be doing okay. He is still there and that is what matters. But in the way addicts do, they start being brutally honest when coming clean.

Sometimes that honesty can be shocking. How do they get to the places they arrive? The only thing I have ever been addicted to is cigarettes and I'm not sure I always understand; the why, the power, the draw of such powerful drugs. Because in my mind; why would you ever take the risk to have to live a life like that.

This week has been tough in so many ways and raw is the word that fits.

I'm confused deeply about my love life.
I have loved many drug addicts.
Money is tight.
The wondering behind why I seem to pick men who do not want to have a relationship is wearing me out.

I'm restless; worried, writing in many places trying to figure it all out and it is stretching my heart in a million directions. Lying and keeping a secret; telling myself it is not my story to tell, to loved ones. All this is combining into one big combustible fire ball keeping the skin so tightly taut that every thought is raw.

Full circle; I have mentioned that before in other blogs. To return to Roslyn has my life coming full circle. Everything I ran from is happening again. The point this time I think is that by running it allowed me to be able to deal with it this time. I spend so much time with Nick and the memories this time invokes have been relentless and I'm dealing with them one by one. Followed by another drug addiction so close to my heart that I have to stand and fight this time, instead of walking away. But it has also opened many wounds, fears and worries. 

I was restless last night and lonely. Nick must have sensed it in some way because he was tired from work and that long weekend of endless baseball games but stopped in to visit and then came back by after I was done working, much later in the evening and still rallied to walk to Marko's with me to play an intense game of ping pong. He is a good friend and I might be falling in love with him and that worries me constantly. Because I want to... but I want it to be mutual.

Love is its own drug. Sneaky, addictive and terrifying.