The Spirit Mine

The other day while drinking a comment was made that hurt very badly. Sobering really and took all the fun right out of the day.

"I like them both the same."

I thought angrily, "I'm so much better than that." Then after days of thinking about it, I realized when I'm drinking I' am just the same. So I have spent much time thinking about this and I have come to the realization that if I give up drinking. I give up all the worst parts of me. I tried negotiating with myself. "I can only drink on Sundays or I will stay with the usual rule that I can only have one or two.

In all honesty I don't drink that much and do not enjoy losing control and being drunk. But I do like to drink. And when I drink I like to have fun. Sometimes I get mean. Sometimes I fight. Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I'm sad. And most of the time I don't like myself afterwards.

Reflecting on things said and done while drinking... I just don't like the weak parts of me that seem to shine while drinking.

I have also come to realize that I cannot compete with addiction and win. I'm an Aries and competitive by nature and this one battle I never seem to win. I have loved, lived and left addiction all my life and I never win the battle over it. That is because it is not my problem and it is not about me and it is not their fault or mine.

But to stop attracting it, loving it and trying to save them.. that is a tough one.

So the realization to remove addiction from my life, to stop attracting it, stop living with it has a flip side. I have to give up my own addictions. Also if I like myself better when not drinking then that is a solution in itself. While drinking I tend to attract the same things in my life that I don't like in my life.


It's a work in progress, changing yourself and your life.