Yesterday as sassy red head put it, I was a mess. Anyway life always looks simpler after a nights sleep. Then I read my horoscopes and had to laugh especially at the love one.
"Your partner may be feeling a little devilish. They want to see that
look on your face when they ask you to commit, and realize that this is
one of the worst things you could be forced to contemplate. But the
truth is that others need loyalty to feel secure, even if your only
response is to run to the nearest escape hatch." (the love horoscope)
"The little fighter that you are, Shannon, makes it highly difficult for
you to join us in the great communal river that we are all trying to
navigate. You prefer to travel solo, going down your little stream as
you see fit. However, these are opportune days to try joining up with
others. Some events may occur to remind you of the benefits of
community"... (daily)
And as for compatibility... ain't this the truth
Can a fiery rebel and a practical Earth sign ever reach an
understanding? They speak different languages: one held aloft by dreams
while the other has his or her feet firmly on the ground. When they know
how to reinforce the Ram's audacity with the Goat's constructive
spirit, they can accomplish great things. Capricorn is slow to be tamed
and won over, a process which Aries tends to interrupt early if he or
she does not control his or her impulsiveness. However, if Capricorn's
love is allowed to ripen, the other can luxuriate in it forever.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Fuck
I like to write in the mornings, but sometimes at night my sleep is affected by the voices in my head, stories, scenarios, fantasies and what have you. I stayed the night outside of Ronald with a cat meowing at my door, sleep was elusive and scenarios would not shut off. I was thinking about somebody to damn much and must of conjured him. Because by some type of intervention, divine possibly.. he appeared in the flesh right before my eyes the following morning.
That is some wicked scary shit, when I thought he was in the back of beyond digging for platinum.
All those promises to self, went out the door as I turned to mush. Giddy and terrified like a three year old who has to sit on Santa's lap. He gave me the longest hug, I kissed his neck as I always do and inhaled that dirty dirty man into myself.
We talked and talked, had lunch together and hung out at his house. I did keep a few promises to myself; the ones about being more honest and revealing and he was receptive. He knows what I want, I know what he wants. But will we both be brave enough to do it finally, after dancing around it for so many years.
It's all about the step of living together; I have to make that commitment to him without a panic attack, without teasing him, and without running, but I need him to meet me half way and that is where we always come to an impasse. Are we finally arriving at the same place at the same time, as we arrive at the same place at the same time... is it coincidence or divine intervention. Maybe, it gets easier every single year and we have been pussy footing around this for years....coming up on year seven now. The attraction still so intense and visible. Perhaps.
Patience he has said time and time again.
My card pulled says; 'The waiting game.'
The man drives me nuts and not always in a good way.
Fuck. Is the word that comes to mind this morning. Fuck, fuck, fuck.... every single time I see him I can't resist the chemistry, the attraction. Fuck! The word it encompasses the feelings he makes me feel and that I fight, year in and year out and keep running from but I'm drawn back and I keep wondering, why do we keep trying. I can't seem to live with him, but apparently can't live without him. And that was some of the truth I was thinking about the night I conjured him up. That maybe he is supposed to drive me nuts and keep me on my toes, god knows he is the one man I'm not able to walk all over. We are a ram and a goat butting heads. Aries and Capricorn.
What though is really the purpose of this. The one truth I do know is I love the shit out of this man.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
A run for the money
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| The best part about being three is that your wardrobe and art is always special. |
What is it about waking sometimes that you just feel sexy, homely, crabby or happy. Is it the dreams in the night or the position you wake up in? I moved to a new room earlier this week and I'm having a tough time falling asleep and then sleeping well after that. Last night was a step closer to bliss, I did not wake up in the middle of the night, but I did wake up with my neck in some position you would never walk around in the daylight hours holding. How does this happen?
I stretched and massaged as I came around to the morning and made a cup of tea, thought to myself 'man I'm going to have a headache and I already need a nap'. Snap.... I thought, no I'm changing the course of this day and thought about some special moments yesterday that made me really happy and they put a wicked smile on my face over and over and suddenly an hour later I have a changed attitude and feel happy, sexy even just starting my damn period.
FISH Philsophy rule number one is "Choose your attitude!"
Off to make some breakfast. Have a great day!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Miss Potter
Once upon a time my sister and I went to Scotland and stumbled on one of Beatrix Potters locations while making the drive down from the Highlands. We had splurged and stayed at Castle Stuart in a tower room for two nights, the castle located outside of Inverness and near Cawdor. The castle had a gated entrance and the code was the year of the battle of Culloden. The morning we left the castle was sunny and beautiful, the colors so vibrant and at odds with each other we had to pull over to the side of the road to take a picture to prove it to ourselves; the pine trees were green, the sky robins egg blue, the heather maroon and the grass yellow. A light dusting of snow covered the ground as we wound through valleys and mountains dotted with Castles. Coming out of the mountains we made a couple of stops, one at a wool shop and bought beautiful sweaters and the next at the church across the street from Balmoral. We were headed to Stirling.
Memories are fleeting of how we ended up at the town Beatrix vacationed in as a child and I could be wrong but we saw a sign for her garden and possibly it was not open so we went into town to shop. But perhaps it was on my sisters want to see list or in the guidebook. I have so many memories of that day they tend to bind together. We tend to do that quite a bit, denied a plan and improvise by exploring and shopping. After some research on my part without the help of my travel journals... but with the lovely help of the internet I think I have placed it. Dunkeld, Scotland.
I watched 'Ms. Potter' recently starring Renee Zellweger and Ewan McGregor and she was a fascinating women. Ahead of her time in the business sense, creative and artistic. She lived with her parents and was happy being single. A true inspiration. This movie got me thinking about that trip. Our first overseas trip together. An earthquake at home the prior week 'Nisqually Quake of 2001' causing fear of delay.
I bought the first of my mortar and pestle collection with thoughts of Miss Potter entangled with the purchase. The store we were shopping in I know had many Potter products but I cannot remember if the store was hers or not. It brings to mind how we remember some events very well and then also how we can change them in our minds so that there is a new truth and then someone who experienced it with you perceives it differently and the memories get tangled further.
"The Tale of Peter Rabbit was published by Frederick Warne & Co. in 1902 with an initial 8000 copies printed and the tale has never been out of print since. Beatrix went on to publish another 22 little books over the next 28 years, the proceeds from which enabled her to buy Hill Top Farm in the Lake District. Eventually she went on to own 15 farms and over 4,000 acres of land in the area.
The popularity of Beatrix Potter's stories and characters has grown immeasurably since she published The Tale of Peter Rabbit over 100 years ago, aided by her own foresight and acute business sense. A woman ahead of her time, she saw the potential in her most famous character creating the first patented soft toy in 1903, making Peter Rabbit the oldest licensed character. Not only that, she left an astounding legacy of stories, characters, art and unspoiled landscape to the world."
Memories are fleeting of how we ended up at the town Beatrix vacationed in as a child and I could be wrong but we saw a sign for her garden and possibly it was not open so we went into town to shop. But perhaps it was on my sisters want to see list or in the guidebook. I have so many memories of that day they tend to bind together. We tend to do that quite a bit, denied a plan and improvise by exploring and shopping. After some research on my part without the help of my travel journals... but with the lovely help of the internet I think I have placed it. Dunkeld, Scotland.
I watched 'Ms. Potter' recently starring Renee Zellweger and Ewan McGregor and she was a fascinating women. Ahead of her time in the business sense, creative and artistic. She lived with her parents and was happy being single. A true inspiration. This movie got me thinking about that trip. Our first overseas trip together. An earthquake at home the prior week 'Nisqually Quake of 2001' causing fear of delay.
I bought the first of my mortar and pestle collection with thoughts of Miss Potter entangled with the purchase. The store we were shopping in I know had many Potter products but I cannot remember if the store was hers or not. It brings to mind how we remember some events very well and then also how we can change them in our minds so that there is a new truth and then someone who experienced it with you perceives it differently and the memories get tangled further.
"The Tale of Peter Rabbit was published by Frederick Warne & Co. in 1902 with an initial 8000 copies printed and the tale has never been out of print since. Beatrix went on to publish another 22 little books over the next 28 years, the proceeds from which enabled her to buy Hill Top Farm in the Lake District. Eventually she went on to own 15 farms and over 4,000 acres of land in the area.
The popularity of Beatrix Potter's stories and characters has grown immeasurably since she published The Tale of Peter Rabbit over 100 years ago, aided by her own foresight and acute business sense. A woman ahead of her time, she saw the potential in her most famous character creating the first patented soft toy in 1903, making Peter Rabbit the oldest licensed character. Not only that, she left an astounding legacy of stories, characters, art and unspoiled landscape to the world."
My kids loved her books. I liked to read them with an accent and #61, I remember was fascinated by the spanking of Peter with the stick.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
A little vacation
After training for two solid weeks and having around five schedule changes in the last month, I took a deep breath and submitted for some vacation time. I switched teams at work, joining a pilot team that is somewhat of an elite team and that was how I began October. The month of September and the beginning of October were filled with fun and games and now Q4 begins.
As I mentioned September was action packed beginning with dropping my parents off at the airport and they headed to China to watch potatoes and corn grow. The weekend came and I drove over to meet Mickey Blue Eyes and we headed to the technical school he is interested in and then I drove to my sisters and we went to dinner at Endolyne Joe's. Someday that will be a tax write off, because we took an after dinner walk so I could take photo's and study the neighborhood, research for a book that has been knocking around in my head for awhile, 'Curador' is how I have come to refer to it as. This evening we had some rare time alone with her youngest daughter while the older kids were boating. The following day was more of the same; we lounged on a blanket covered grass slope above the pebbled shores of Lake Washington hanging with the baby, providing food and pit stops for the boaters. Summer was delayed this year and it was a rare hot and clear blue sky day in the heart of the Puget Sound.
The next weekend I attended Zac Brown at the Gorge with friends. Driving the back way along the river to meet them at Vantage. What memories that drive provoked. Hanford, Midway, Desert Aire, Mattawa, Shawana and the dams. The locale of my early youth. Midway now gone, so gone that if you look nothing is there kind of gone. But on second glance there is a road and entrance. But the houses, trees and community gone without a trace. Eerie because I can remember napping in the house nearest the sub station, playing in the park and wishing to be riding the horses housed in the corral next to the steep slope of the river gorge and the only thing that remains is the subway station. The houses and trees completely gone, vanished like the land of never was.The Vernita Toll Bridge has been paid for and is now just a bridge. Desert Aire has grown and I don't recognize it so much and as I pass by Buck Owens Hill, was shocked at all the new housing in Mattawa. I kept driving and didn't stop till Vantage.
The first weekend of October brought lawn tickets to the Uproar festival. Me and the girls stopped in Cle Elum to pick up my boys and we made our way to the White River Amphitheater for the sounds of Seether, Three Days Grace and Avenged Sevenfold. Traffic after was a bitch.
I made a day trip and took #61's senior pictures, we had a date after to see Killer Elite. At first he was cranky about the photo's but loosened up on his favorite back road drive. Later in the day he revealed he had a Gears of War hangover.
Basically did not write much at all. But I saw some great bands this summer and had some good moments with my favorite boys in the entire world.
In the circle of life I'm ending the dry spell of the blog where I began at my sisters.
Oh and I almost forgot, got this years boots for the boot collection.
As I mentioned September was action packed beginning with dropping my parents off at the airport and they headed to China to watch potatoes and corn grow. The weekend came and I drove over to meet Mickey Blue Eyes and we headed to the technical school he is interested in and then I drove to my sisters and we went to dinner at Endolyne Joe's. Someday that will be a tax write off, because we took an after dinner walk so I could take photo's and study the neighborhood, research for a book that has been knocking around in my head for awhile, 'Curador' is how I have come to refer to it as. This evening we had some rare time alone with her youngest daughter while the older kids were boating. The following day was more of the same; we lounged on a blanket covered grass slope above the pebbled shores of Lake Washington hanging with the baby, providing food and pit stops for the boaters. Summer was delayed this year and it was a rare hot and clear blue sky day in the heart of the Puget Sound.
The next weekend I attended Zac Brown at the Gorge with friends. Driving the back way along the river to meet them at Vantage. What memories that drive provoked. Hanford, Midway, Desert Aire, Mattawa, Shawana and the dams. The locale of my early youth. Midway now gone, so gone that if you look nothing is there kind of gone. But on second glance there is a road and entrance. But the houses, trees and community gone without a trace. Eerie because I can remember napping in the house nearest the sub station, playing in the park and wishing to be riding the horses housed in the corral next to the steep slope of the river gorge and the only thing that remains is the subway station. The houses and trees completely gone, vanished like the land of never was.The Vernita Toll Bridge has been paid for and is now just a bridge. Desert Aire has grown and I don't recognize it so much and as I pass by Buck Owens Hill, was shocked at all the new housing in Mattawa. I kept driving and didn't stop till Vantage.
The first weekend of October brought lawn tickets to the Uproar festival. Me and the girls stopped in Cle Elum to pick up my boys and we made our way to the White River Amphitheater for the sounds of Seether, Three Days Grace and Avenged Sevenfold. Traffic after was a bitch.
Basically did not write much at all. But I saw some great bands this summer and had some good moments with my favorite boys in the entire world.
In the circle of life I'm ending the dry spell of the blog where I began at my sisters.
Oh and I almost forgot, got this years boots for the boot collection.
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| Uproar Prefunk |
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| Zac Brown Pre-funk |
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| My Chicka's |
Monday, September 26, 2011
Truth and Trust
This morning a dream that I wake from is so entwined in the waking moments, I find myself speaking out loud as I get out of bed. They are thoughts about the new woman in my ex-husbands life. That I will not allow her or him to make me... not feel welcome in my children's new home and lives. Why did I wake thinking like this? Angry and worried...They are moving in together and my first thought last night when I was told this by my youngest son, "can't that man live alone at all." He finally got the last of the meth addict girlfriends out of his life and here we go again.
Is this jealousy? That is my first thought, but no it goes much deeper than that, after I spent some time writing and had many thoughts running through my head and with the dreams input I have come to the realization that I'm forced to go back to memories and deal with them to find the root of the problem.
Sometimes it takes me a while to get there, to work down to the root of the problem. So I have to break it down into levels and think about feelings.
Starting with, I'm rather happy he has a nice decent woman in his life. But the mistrust comes from all the others before her that were not decent. The most searing in my memory is the first one that moved in with him. We had by this time sold our last house we had bought together and been separated for over a year.
She invited me over one cold snowy morning prior to her moving in with him for a 'get to know you visit'. Invited me to a house, that later I found out she was squatting in and she started slowly questioning me about my life and interests, than launched into how, her and my husband (he still was at the time) had an intense attraction and love for each other that was like nothing they had seen before. She questioned me deeply about Jim. And at this point I was finally back in his good graces for a reason I would much rather not reflect on. These are things I'm remembering this morning and visiting back on. She used a lot of this conversation against me and twisted it for years.
And looking back now, from what I know now... the now is that at the time I had no earthly clue or idea about the meth addiction of either of them and the levels they would go to together to protect the addiction.
So I suppose their love was pretty intense in that lovely meth haze. Actually I know it was intense. I was stunned by this 'sudden' love, to say the least but buried it very quickly. From that moment on though; she stalked me, spied on me and generally made my life a living hell with her crazy ass meth suspicions. She broke into my house and stole from me and my children. She would stalk me with phone calls, texts. Hide in the forest to spy on me, this I know because she was caught. She sold drugs out of his house with my kids sleeping there. They had violent crazy fights with each other while the kids were there. He smacked her off the deck with a two-by-four because she was crazy and would not shut-up. Who were these crazy people? At the time I just did not want my kids living there, but she twisted it so that it was about me and her. She accused me of stalking and watching her. She made me, the one not on drugs think I was the crazy one. Sometimes I did not know what world was the right world and I had two people to calm me down and go to; Brenda and Jim... my safe places and the two people in the world I trust the most, even now.
One night after midnight as she was watching my house through binoculars the fire department showed up and I'm assuming she must have rushed back to bed or told my husband because he called shortly after making sure that the kids and I were okay because the fire department was there. We were in bed asleep when he called and had know idea what he was talking about and got out of bed to find the neighborhood lit up with flashing lights. The neighbors house was on fire apparently, but not bad just a chimney fire. The point is she was watching from across town, my house in the middle of the night and all the time.
I don't talk about this time period in my life very much, because I have done much healing and the ex-husband has been clean for three years now, so it is and was another life. It is all about getting to the root of the problem. After this incident there were others leading up to an intervention that she stalked and corrupted. She stalked his Mom, our kids and others. The woman was pure evil on meth.
But the fear still lingers apparently....the kids and I still live with this fear his living with another woman invokes and that is another root to the problem the kids are worried he is doing this to soon and again. And even five years or so later it still affects my dreams in an around about way.
She the first live-in girlfriend is also why I have a burning desire to not be out after midnight, let alone awake.
The root of the problem is that I don't trust him to always make the right decisions when his dick is involved in the process.
Actually the root of the problem is I don't trust anybody.
All my hard work on myself and life leads to this one true statement about myself. The fear of trust in a relationship, life, work all stems from this time period. The having your life destroyed by a person who threw it all away for the greatest high of his life, time period. For years before the end of our marriage I thought it was me and my problems that made me want to end the marriage only to realize it was a drug that changed his smell, his personality and forced me out.
It was all a lie and the root of the problem is trust, truth and fear.
So I wake this morning with the thoughts on my lips; angry, worried and have to spend the morning deciphering why...
I put myself through all the motions to get to the emotions. No it is not jealousy of the new girlfriend per say, it is more anger at the worry and lack of trust for him to make the right choices for himself and his children. But then I take a deep breathe and let out a sigh to let the butterflies go. It's also a sadness that our marriage had to end the way it ended and there has perhaps not been enough discussions to heal it. But this I do know....
I don't want to know anymore truths about that time period... than what I already know. I'm sure there are truths that would curl my toenails. So it is closed for discussion with him. These years were the darkest most stressful years I have ever lived in my entire life and I don't like to visit them often. A quote from a former addict trying to help me understand how to deal with a meth addict. "A meth addict can rationalize any thought no matter how irrational it is". We are sitting in our truck together and he is irrational and suddenly screaming at me. Asking me why he can't have this woman in his life and I can have a 'man' like Jim in mine and my reply is telling..."Because he never fucking lies to me." I can still feel this moment and his crazy irrational rage like it was yesterday. I just try not to think about it, but from that point on the ex-husband stopped lying even on meth.
Even the last couple of weekends has been leading up to this moment. Having conversations about my behavior and actions and his, with old friends, just keeps bringing the past up and I have had to talk about it much more than I normally do. Having a discussion with another friend who lived another night of the girlfriend stalking with me, we can laugh about it now but...
Also thinking about why I do the things I do and how I like the rules of Amazon and the level of trust and responsibility you have to provide in yourself to have and keep a job there. I like Amazon for these reasons. They weed out all the useless people that have the traits of meth addicts. I feel protected there, kind of like when Tammy would not allow the meth addicts into her bar, making it my bar and a safe haven for me. Marko's.
The dredging up of these feelings and trying also to get to the root of why I do/don't want to live in Roslyn and weighing it all with the input of loved ones. Should I conquer the fear of not wanting to live there or to just stay away because it's not my place any longer.
What is it exactly; a fear or just avoiding it. Or is right to go there to heal and have closure. My stomach becomes tied in knots when I think about living there again. Fighting the rage I can still feel about that woman, and how she now wants my forgiveness. She is very 'sorry' and all I can do it is grit my teeth with anger and resisting, wanting to literally beat the shit out of her for being such a sick person. I would not run into her at Amazon and that is probably a good thing.
But now that I have worked through all this I do realize it's all about the one word. Trust. Trust him because he has been clean for three years and loves his kids.
and trust yourself, I tell myself daily...and that intuition and time will eventually lead you to the answers.
Is this jealousy? That is my first thought, but no it goes much deeper than that, after I spent some time writing and had many thoughts running through my head and with the dreams input I have come to the realization that I'm forced to go back to memories and deal with them to find the root of the problem.
Sometimes it takes me a while to get there, to work down to the root of the problem. So I have to break it down into levels and think about feelings.
Starting with, I'm rather happy he has a nice decent woman in his life. But the mistrust comes from all the others before her that were not decent. The most searing in my memory is the first one that moved in with him. We had by this time sold our last house we had bought together and been separated for over a year.
She invited me over one cold snowy morning prior to her moving in with him for a 'get to know you visit'. Invited me to a house, that later I found out she was squatting in and she started slowly questioning me about my life and interests, than launched into how, her and my husband (he still was at the time) had an intense attraction and love for each other that was like nothing they had seen before. She questioned me deeply about Jim. And at this point I was finally back in his good graces for a reason I would much rather not reflect on. These are things I'm remembering this morning and visiting back on. She used a lot of this conversation against me and twisted it for years.
And looking back now, from what I know now... the now is that at the time I had no earthly clue or idea about the meth addiction of either of them and the levels they would go to together to protect the addiction.
So I suppose their love was pretty intense in that lovely meth haze. Actually I know it was intense. I was stunned by this 'sudden' love, to say the least but buried it very quickly. From that moment on though; she stalked me, spied on me and generally made my life a living hell with her crazy ass meth suspicions. She broke into my house and stole from me and my children. She would stalk me with phone calls, texts. Hide in the forest to spy on me, this I know because she was caught. She sold drugs out of his house with my kids sleeping there. They had violent crazy fights with each other while the kids were there. He smacked her off the deck with a two-by-four because she was crazy and would not shut-up. Who were these crazy people? At the time I just did not want my kids living there, but she twisted it so that it was about me and her. She accused me of stalking and watching her. She made me, the one not on drugs think I was the crazy one. Sometimes I did not know what world was the right world and I had two people to calm me down and go to; Brenda and Jim... my safe places and the two people in the world I trust the most, even now.
One night after midnight as she was watching my house through binoculars the fire department showed up and I'm assuming she must have rushed back to bed or told my husband because he called shortly after making sure that the kids and I were okay because the fire department was there. We were in bed asleep when he called and had know idea what he was talking about and got out of bed to find the neighborhood lit up with flashing lights. The neighbors house was on fire apparently, but not bad just a chimney fire. The point is she was watching from across town, my house in the middle of the night and all the time.
I don't talk about this time period in my life very much, because I have done much healing and the ex-husband has been clean for three years now, so it is and was another life. It is all about getting to the root of the problem. After this incident there were others leading up to an intervention that she stalked and corrupted. She stalked his Mom, our kids and others. The woman was pure evil on meth.
But the fear still lingers apparently....the kids and I still live with this fear his living with another woman invokes and that is another root to the problem the kids are worried he is doing this to soon and again. And even five years or so later it still affects my dreams in an around about way.
She the first live-in girlfriend is also why I have a burning desire to not be out after midnight, let alone awake.
The root of the problem is that I don't trust him to always make the right decisions when his dick is involved in the process.
Actually the root of the problem is I don't trust anybody.
All my hard work on myself and life leads to this one true statement about myself. The fear of trust in a relationship, life, work all stems from this time period. The having your life destroyed by a person who threw it all away for the greatest high of his life, time period. For years before the end of our marriage I thought it was me and my problems that made me want to end the marriage only to realize it was a drug that changed his smell, his personality and forced me out.
It was all a lie and the root of the problem is trust, truth and fear.
So I wake this morning with the thoughts on my lips; angry, worried and have to spend the morning deciphering why...
I put myself through all the motions to get to the emotions. No it is not jealousy of the new girlfriend per say, it is more anger at the worry and lack of trust for him to make the right choices for himself and his children. But then I take a deep breathe and let out a sigh to let the butterflies go. It's also a sadness that our marriage had to end the way it ended and there has perhaps not been enough discussions to heal it. But this I do know....
I don't want to know anymore truths about that time period... than what I already know. I'm sure there are truths that would curl my toenails. So it is closed for discussion with him. These years were the darkest most stressful years I have ever lived in my entire life and I don't like to visit them often. A quote from a former addict trying to help me understand how to deal with a meth addict. "A meth addict can rationalize any thought no matter how irrational it is". We are sitting in our truck together and he is irrational and suddenly screaming at me. Asking me why he can't have this woman in his life and I can have a 'man' like Jim in mine and my reply is telling..."Because he never fucking lies to me." I can still feel this moment and his crazy irrational rage like it was yesterday. I just try not to think about it, but from that point on the ex-husband stopped lying even on meth.
Even the last couple of weekends has been leading up to this moment. Having conversations about my behavior and actions and his, with old friends, just keeps bringing the past up and I have had to talk about it much more than I normally do. Having a discussion with another friend who lived another night of the girlfriend stalking with me, we can laugh about it now but...
Also thinking about why I do the things I do and how I like the rules of Amazon and the level of trust and responsibility you have to provide in yourself to have and keep a job there. I like Amazon for these reasons. They weed out all the useless people that have the traits of meth addicts. I feel protected there, kind of like when Tammy would not allow the meth addicts into her bar, making it my bar and a safe haven for me. Marko's.
The dredging up of these feelings and trying also to get to the root of why I do/don't want to live in Roslyn and weighing it all with the input of loved ones. Should I conquer the fear of not wanting to live there or to just stay away because it's not my place any longer.
What is it exactly; a fear or just avoiding it. Or is right to go there to heal and have closure. My stomach becomes tied in knots when I think about living there again. Fighting the rage I can still feel about that woman, and how she now wants my forgiveness. She is very 'sorry' and all I can do it is grit my teeth with anger and resisting, wanting to literally beat the shit out of her for being such a sick person. I would not run into her at Amazon and that is probably a good thing.
But now that I have worked through all this I do realize it's all about the one word. Trust. Trust him because he has been clean for three years and loves his kids.
and trust yourself, I tell myself daily...and that intuition and time will eventually lead you to the answers.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A fresh new look
Logged in today to blog and there is a fresh new look to the blogging page. I like it.
Yesterday I drove up to the mountains to hang with #61 and take his senior pictures. A tradition of sorts that I was reminded of recently by my sister-in-law. We took the old road to Ellensburg one of #61's favorite drives. In the backseat was the old school camera and a couple of changes of shirts for him. As his crabbiness wore off and he enjoyed the drive he started picking locations for his photos. He was crabby due to lack of sleep I found out as the day progressed. We stopped and took different photo's with some great backdrops and I'm excited to see how they turned out.
After the photo session, we finished the drive into Ellensburg and stopped at Baskin & Robbins for ice-cream. Then headed over to the movie theater to watch Killer Elite. The movie was surprisingly pretty good...and the conversation leading up to this review is as follows.
"It would be cool if that guy you like so much would do a normal movie," #61 says while smirking as we walk across the parking lot to the theater.
"This could be the one," I reply glancing over at him "it's a different kind of cast and such with Robert Deniro and Clive Owens, a better caliber of actors than normal."
The movie ended up being based on a true story and yes Jason Statham had some serious action moments but he played a normal kind of guy for the most part. We liked it, it was the thinking man's action movie and I loved the bits about Australia.
Prior to the movie starting was an ad for Gear 3 and this prompted #61 to admit to why he was dragging ass and attitude. The new release of this game described as the "best ever, so fucking cool, awesome and addicting," looking sheepish as he admits this and confessing to playing it till seven in the morning after leaving the high school football game the night before.
Yesterday I drove up to the mountains to hang with #61 and take his senior pictures. A tradition of sorts that I was reminded of recently by my sister-in-law. We took the old road to Ellensburg one of #61's favorite drives. In the backseat was the old school camera and a couple of changes of shirts for him. As his crabbiness wore off and he enjoyed the drive he started picking locations for his photos. He was crabby due to lack of sleep I found out as the day progressed. We stopped and took different photo's with some great backdrops and I'm excited to see how they turned out.
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| Killer Elite |
"It would be cool if that guy you like so much would do a normal movie," #61 says while smirking as we walk across the parking lot to the theater.
"This could be the one," I reply glancing over at him "it's a different kind of cast and such with Robert Deniro and Clive Owens, a better caliber of actors than normal."
The movie ended up being based on a true story and yes Jason Statham had some serious action moments but he played a normal kind of guy for the most part. We liked it, it was the thinking man's action movie and I loved the bits about Australia.
Prior to the movie starting was an ad for Gear 3 and this prompted #61 to admit to why he was dragging ass and attitude. The new release of this game described as the "best ever, so fucking cool, awesome and addicting," looking sheepish as he admits this and confessing to playing it till seven in the morning after leaving the high school football game the night before.
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