"If I quieted the voices in my head I would face the day with nothing to write."

“The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is that you really want to say.” Mark Twain.

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.”
― Roald Dahl
Key:
G-Unit=Grandpa
FLS=Favorite Little Sister
Sassy Red head=Shana
True Friend=Laura
Mermaid/Slo/Tripod/Chickas=Shannon 1

Spanish Princess/Tripod/Chicka/Vette =Yvette
#61=Youngest son
Mickey Blue Eyes=Oldest son.
BFTP (Blast from the past)/The last Frontier=gone
Big Jim as himself
Vitamin C as himself
G-Man=Garth/Bossman.

Nick as himself

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Going Global along with some Jim Beam

Roslyn Winter early 1900's

Amazon is global and today I'm writing from a remote location, it's always good to be away from life. This week I was offered 'blue badge' at Amazon. It came with all the bells and whistles that come from corporate life, with a few extra's; like stock and the opportunity to travel on the away teams. Also my new schedule started and with it came three day weekends and today I'm relishing that freedom of the second day in.

As I passed through the corridor of the last town of Ronald in the upper county and into Roslyn I passed the Library. It is undergoing renovations from the Nisqually 2001 earthquake. The pine tree's are covered in heavy snow and with the breeze today the snow sweeps through the air moving the branches and flinging the snow into the air to be redistributed along some other path. A snow that is light and dry. Tonight another round of snow is expected and I'm heading to my safe place. My safe place from the past, filled with bittersweet memories. Not unlike my memories of Roslyn and the safe quiet shelves of the library.

Jim Beam

Now at the safe place; hanging with the guys drinking some whiskey; Jim Beam, beer and golf. The kids are grown and need a short amount of time and money and the freedom this allows, has led me to writing today in an unusual location. Pondering my week and my future. But occasionally I'm being watched and it makes me nervous. The high grounds of the upper county are covered in a late winter snow and a cold front has moved into the state. It is frigid with March just around the corner. The old mining houses are not well insulated and from where I'm sitting I can feel the seeping of the air through the cracks and small places where air can sneak through. Once upon a time in my married life we had a house in the heart of Roslyn and would head there on the weekends to meet up with family and the kids would run around in their socks. Soon the whites, were gray from the coal dust blown in by the wind from the mines. It settled in nooks and crannies and nostrils.

Big Jim

This morning the flakes were heavy and fast. I had a low pressure kind of morning with two cups of tea and just when I think it's overwhelming the sweetest two things happen. First I catch him from the window of his house cleaning the snow off my car and decide it would be a good time to start the car, so after taking a picture I grab my keys and go out into the cold last of February morning in tennis shoes and as I met him on the narrow snow lined sidewalk he gallantly stepped into the yard and deep snow to let me pass. "Chivalry is not dead," I say with a smile as he lets me pass, he grins his wicked grin and says "nope it's not." With his height, grace and coloring whenever I see a long haired gray cat with blue eyes I think of him...and this man is so misunderstood most of the time that when he is full of kindness I just want to keep him forever, for a brief moment anyway.

Cle Elum Winter 2011




Sunday, February 20, 2011

Some great poetry from the archives

Remembrance
Emily Bronte

But, when the days of golden dreams had perished
And when even despair was powerless to destroy;
Then did I learn how existence could be cherished,
Strengthened and fed without the aid of joy.

The Mourning Bride
William Congreve

“Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, or hell a fury like a woman scorned. "

The clock of life is wound but once,
And no man hath the power
To say just when the clock will stop
At late or early hour.
Now only is the time thine own
To live and love and toil with a will;
Put no faith in tomorrow for the
Clock may then be still .

The nutbrown maid Henry Morley.

O’ Lord what is this worlds bliss
That changeth as the moon
My summers day in lusty may
Is darkened before the noon
I hear you say farewell
Nay, Nay we depart not so soon
Why say ye so? Whither will ye go?
Alas what have ye done
All my welfare to sorrow and care should change
If ye were gone
For in my mind of all mankind
I love but you alone.

Andrew Wyeth:
I think one’s Art goes as far and as deep as one’s love goes. I see no reason for painting but that If I have anything to offer it is my emotional contact with the place where I live and the people I do.

Every eye fixed itself upon him; with parted lips and bated breath the audience hung upon his words, taking no note of time, rapt in the ghastly fascinations of the tale. Mark Twain.

Rumi

Lover’s don’t finally meet somewhere
They’re in each other all along.

Pablo Neruda

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain dark things, secretly between the shadow and the soul.


Despair, flows within me
I cannot bring myself to peace
Oh, for the sake of yearning
Let me be free of desperation's toil
The wind blows wickedly, my thoughts
Never lacking
Save me from myself
The never ending burdens
Weighing so heavy on my heart
That my shoulders begin to stoop
Crying silent bitterness in rivulets
Unable seemingly to cleanse my soul
I yearn for sovereignty
Of weak thoughts and heavy tread


By Ranier Maria Rilke
Be patient toward all that is unsolved
in your heart
Try to love the questions themselves
Do not seek the answers
Which cannot be given
because you would not be able to live them
And the point is, to live everything
Live the questions now
Perhaps you will then
gradually
without noticing it
live along some distant day
Into the answers.



Friday, February 18, 2011

August Rush



Do you ever wake up in the morning, feeling like you have cried but know you haven't. This morning I woke and looked my age or definitely like I had cried a million tears. I had an epiphany of sorts today. It is not something I'm going to talk about in this forum but I'm putting a stop to a certain behavior that I recognized today. 

Tonight I opted to stay in and watched a movie again, that I loved the first time and bought myself for Christmas: August Rush. I love this movie it made me cry through the whole thing. It's about music; and power of thoughts and always something beautiful is happening in it, but most of all it is about love. The way it is filmed reminds me of what art and writing is to me.

How to express what that feeling is.... I cannot put it into words. Just that the movie makes me feel things, it moves me in ways I just cannot describe.

So I find it ironic that as I go to sleep tonight that I have cried today, tonight just recently over a movie. But cannot seem to let go, to do it for just myself and what I have lost. This morning my horoscope led me to believe I would have some sort of epiphany today and I did. Plus the movie was the final process in my private thought process of processing all the information today. Amen is the last word that comes to mind before I head to bed and the Gods definitely know I'm not a religious person. But I believe in the power.
And words, music and love.. I believe in those things too.

Your horoscope for February 18, 2011
A look into your past may reveal some long-forgotten traumas that need to be released and healed.You may not do this consciously; it may come to you through a dream or vision, or through an inadvertent comment made by somebody else. However it comes, you'll definitely be the better for it. By day's end you may feel as if a ten-ton weight had been lifted off your shoulders. It's clearing the way for new, positive developments. Enjoy!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

True Grit

After debating, perusing and conversation #61 and I settled on True Grit for our movie choice last Friday night and upon waking the following morning found that title on my mind. It meant something different than what I always took it for. Meaning yes, I knew it was a title of an old western but without ever having seen it or read the book I did not understand it's nuance.
"He has true grit."
Holding onto something or a moment even in the toughest of times and persevering till it is completed.

Up till now I thought it was seriously the name of a horse, a nickname or like I said just a title. I was pleasantly surprised and really enjoyed the movie.

I like to think I have true grit.
In the last few years I have had to buckle down and change a lifestyle. Single... single motherhood has brought out self-reliance,  perseverance and I find myself surrounding myself with the same type of friends. I don't have much patience for weak whiners. I love the friends I have; they are all strong woman and a couple of them are going to Hawaii this week and damn.... I wish I could have swung it! But I have responsibilities, commitments that I must complete first.

This is a hey to two fine woman with true grit who deserve a great vacation and know that your white tortilla will be thinking of you, with thoughts that your cute asses are sitting on the beach; relaxing...of course while drinking and deserving of the good things, that life has to bring you. Travel safe my chica's!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Ode

Where my horses run free.

Carousing with the kid on Superbowl. 
Mud in your face. The sweetest shower.
Go Green Bay. 
Snoqualmie Casino with the kids.
Olivia so excited to be a big sister like her Aunt Shanie. 
Marko's football.
Halftime shots. 
Briggie gets a reprieve. 
A cat's toy.
Starting work on a Monday.
What a weekend.
Don't be a stranger...

Friday, February 4, 2011

Waking up rosy

I have been debating something all week. A process of how to attend to something I have been avoiding and running from. Made some inroads yesterday that were well received and made me happy. So today I'm fanciful and hopeful and at the same time incredibly terrified to hold a conversation with someone so special to me I can't eat.  Puttering around this morning, reading a book on my iPhone that increases the fantasy and settled down long enough to run through my emails and was as always pleasantly surprised on how they reflect on what I'm thinking and making plans for.

Today's personal and love horoscope:

Personal: Believe in your fantasies today, and don't forget the dreams that you hold to be most dear. These are the things that keep you alive - mentally alive. Without something to shoot for, you may find yourself just going through the motions of life without a real purpose behind your actions. Regardless of what your rational mind might suggest, it is time for you to live from your imagination.

Love: The position of the planets today indicates that one particular bond is strengthened, but you will have to talk about how you feel. It seems that there is something that you need to discuss, the thought of which is making you quite fearful. However, you only need to take the first step to discover that, in fact, there is nothing to be frightened of at all. Just open the conversation without blaming or accusing undertones and you'll be glad you expressed your feelings.

Also the case of a backfiring spell, cast at a moment when I was not realizing who I was thinking about. And leaving the dial set with the song for an exact moment. All things I'm not going to go into great detail on but make sense to me now that I reflect back on certain moments. Could it be time? Patience he said once....

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Diamonds in the rough

This week has been rather tough. But some sunny spots have appeared. I have missed the call to write and it is back, I'm rethinking where I want to live and why, as well as where I want to work and at what level. I'm "single" again and relieved about it.

The Superbowl cometh and brings an end to the football season. To all things there must be an end. My oldest son turned twenty-one. He is legally an official adult. Grandpa's memorial service was last weekend and that brought some closure to this time period of limbo. It's time to grow up again and leave the nest, the question remains; where do I want my nest to be and can I let someone else in it.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."

So in my mind back to the books and creativity, I have been lacking since the beginning of Amazon and the double duty of dual and even triple jobs. Maybe taking a chance and being honest to someone, that even though I love them, I do finally want to be in love with them. Trying to sort out those feelings and wondering if I have missed the signs all along, fighting them and myself. I guess maybe it is time to find out and stop running.


And from my personal tarot deck: The Shadow card.

This card represents emotions, sensitivity and a reminder that nothing in life is at a standstill-this is a world of constant flux and one thing..everything changes. This card is calling you to action; the time is now when you may have to face your worst fears and look into the dark shadows of your soul. You must learn to confront what you've avoided and walk courageously through it. Always know that life naturally revitalizes itself and as it does, so do you. The Shadow card promises that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Recognize that by no longer denying your past and letting the tears fall, you'll discover the diamonds in the treasure chest of your soul. This is a cleansing process to wash away and clear out what was once avoided, ignored, or pushed aside. This card indicates that this is a time when your psychic sensitivity may be quite intense. Learn to open up to it or if need be...to turn it down. Your body is one big psychic antenna so just remember that you're in control of how high or low you want the reception to be. Mother Earth can assist you in this period of change, sensitivity and healing.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

POS

I'm the biggest POS that walked our earth this morning and feel incredibly nauseous with it this cold ice blue day.

Questions I have to ask myself?
What went wrong for me....
Why do I exist to hurt others so deeply, to feel nothing in return?
How can what I found be gone in one moment....

I had everything for three months that I ever wanted, a guy who liked me so much he would have done anything for me. A connection so strong that was gone in an instant. But what does that mean, that instant exactly. It was that instant of intuition; the little things you discover when you spend actual time together. I couldn't do it. Nagging doubts and the fact I have to face that I love someone else still, I guess.

I'm a piece of shit for breaking someones heart, Groundhog's day. Waking up to find that it is not winter for six more weeks.. but for in my heart. Turned off so effectively towards a great man that was not right for me that I can't even believe I will be able to remove the icicles before they melt.

Is something broken? Or is the intuition so strong I just saved myself from something that was not right period. Maybe that is a better way to look at it. Intuition to know something just isn't right with someone. I can't put a finger on it exactly, but in reflection perhaps I should trust myself better and know what is right for me. In an instant, I knew he was not right for me, and why prolong the agony and be someone I'm not.